Valentine’s Day 2012: Sex Edition

I posted a couple of sexytime submissions in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day for two reasons. One is that they fit the description of what I consider to be “parent overshare.” The last thing I want to see on Facebook is an update about my friend preparing for a little doggy style action (or doggie, if you’re more of a Chihuahua in the sack) to help induce labor. The second reason is that I happen to receive a fair number of submissions pertaining to sex, which is equal parts jarring and hilarious. So today I wanted to share a round-up of several more submissions related to baby making in honor of V-Day (worst holiday nickname ever), and in honor of everyone around the globe who has considered posting about the mattress mambo on Facebook. In short, don’t do it. But if you must, please, no flash photography. That’s the one ‘frontier’ parents have yet to explore and document on Facebook, and I’m hopeful it’ll stay that way.

1. Awkward Humor

"Hehehe, me n the wife picked out a real purdy baby from the Sears catalog and then shoved that little baby up in her tummy and told her to keep it in there for 9 months and keep it real healthy-like. As Martha Stewart might say, it’s a Good Thing!” 

Funny funny funny stuff. Thanks for sharing the conception poetry, guys. 

2. Date Night


Gosh it’s hard to go on a date without getting knocked up. There’s so much uncertainty. If only there was a pill a person could take to avoid it, or some other way to prevent it. That would be freaking awesome.

3. GamerJacking

Oh, Joseph. I like you. But I still think you still could’ve kept that information to yourself. While the joke is good, it’s kind of the gamer version of checking into the Fairfield Inn Marriott suites to make a baby, no? Considering gamers don’t like leaving their houses and whatnot. Is there a Gamer’s Guide to Running Game? If so, it’s probably very short.

Step 1: Feed each other Twizzlers and get tipsy off a couple cans of Mountain Dew.

Step 2: Fire up Gears of War 3.

Step 3: You just had sex. Congratulations on the baby!

4. Freudian Slips


Jessica says stuff so others don’t have to! She might also make typos that will keep her friends cringe-laughing for days. This is even worse than that Mom’s Gold Star post about how difficult it is to suck, swallow and breathe. (But not as bad as the one where Reb lost his T. That one was just wrong.)

5. Sweet Releaf

When the wife of an active duty soldier tells you you’re being a pussy, you have no choice but to pack up your toys and go home. Or, in Jason’s case, pack up your penis and turn off the computer. Too much information, big guy. Way to impress your friends.

Speaking of toys:

6. *Bonus* PSA:

Beyond this tip, might I suggest finding a quality hiding spot for your rabbit pearl? You’ll be glad you did.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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