This week on Mommyish, I switch up the usual content for a rant that’s near and dear to my…stomach. Ever since mid-December, I’ve been getting submissions related to illness, and with illness comes some pretty disgusting stuff. A few have made me downright queasy, particularly when they involve vivid descriptions, photos of what can only be deemed as Viscous Horror (a personal brand of horror), and complaints that no one in their right mind would say anywhere but the internet. Only on the internet will you hear people go on and on about something like their child’s nightly throw-up schedule, because only on the internet are parents able to relay that kind of information without being stopped by someone who’s dry heaving.

To get a clear (healthy-snot pun intended) idea of what I’m talking about, you need look no further than my column. And this post. And this post, too, which still haunts my dreams on a weekly basis. 

1. Grrr (aka General Complaints)

Sometimes parents - or just ‘people’ - want to vent about how they got sick. WHY they got sick. WHO got them sick. It’s an exercise in the Five Ws, really. And I get that, I do. Being sick sucks, and if you’re as poor a patient as I am, you can’t help but complain about that stupid motherfucker who sneezed near you on the street or that girl at the library who coughed into your hair. But personally, I think it’s better to complain offline to your spouse or your mom or your cat than to do it online. The fact is, everyone gets sick. You deal with it and move on. Whipping out the old sarcastic “thank you to everyone who gave me the flu” kinda makes you look silly. Germs spread. You’ll live!

2. Date Night

If you’ve been reading this site for a while, you already know about Mom’s Date Night. It’s when a mom and her son (not her daughter, which would be “girls’ night”) snuggle up on the couch, feed each other strawberries dipped in chocolate and watch ‘The Land Before Time’ together while giving each other foot massages. It’s a little weird. The above submission is especially creepy (unless you don’t find this creepy at all, in which case you are probably a mom who indulges in Date Night with her “boyfriend” AKA son), because the photo is of mom Regan + her date sharing in a little kiss on the lips. It’s a sweet picture, until you read about her plans for a “candle light supper,” after which point I just want to set up an online profile for Regan on a dating website. For adults.

3. Story Hour

First, if you’re going to use a word like “diarrhea,” please spell it properly. Or at least don’t spell it like “diaraha,” which sounds like a diorama made of diarrhea. Second, what’s up with the correlation of kids being sick and Story Hour on Facebook? Listen up, parents: You do NOT need to update your friends repeatedly until your child is actually well. Yes, some people do like knowing that your little one has recovered from whatever virus s/he had. But the incessant updates are completely unnecessary. Get one of those apps on your phone to track the number of times your kid threw up. Start an Excel spreadsheet if you want to locate patterns of toilet behavior. But don’t update Facebook every time you get the kid a spaghetti pot to barf in or are forced to change his or her sheets. It’s gross.

4. FML = TMI

Complaining about your kid having a stomach bug is a natural reflex. Offering up a tale in which you are “slipping and sliding” on stomach bug vomit is not. Anyone who’s had a stomach bug knows what stomach bug vomit looks like, and well, I’m hardly able to finish this thought without puking myself. But suffice it to say, the concept of a “silent puker” who walks around the house barfing on the floor is enough to make me pass on lunch.

5. Metaphors and Euphemisms

I want to hit that smiley face in target practice. Repeatedly. With an oozie Uzi. 

6. Courtesies

THANKS FOR THE VISUAL. I WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED YOU OTHERWISE. THIS PICTURE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YELLING. Especially since the puke landed all over the goddamn bathroom. Clean that nastiness up and disinfect your house, “Mary n’Cole”!!! Jesus.

7. Viscous Horror

Tee hee hee, my boy asked me for a “wipe” lol. Before I took this picture lol. How funny is that lol! Thinking he was going to get a Kleenex and instead he gets a picture taken of his silly, snotty face. What a goober. Mother’s duties :)

NOTE: This album is entitled “little bit of everything.” When Shay says “everything,” she means fucking EVERYTHING. 

To read more about this fascinating, er…disgusting trend of updates, head over to Mommyish to read my column! I promise you’ll only get grossed once. But it’ll be worth it. (Maybe.)

(submitted by Anonymous)