Once again, ladies and gents, Valentine’s Day is inching closer and closer (terrible pun intended), so I’ve been going through my “love nest” of related submissions in preparation for the big day week. I’ve received soooo many applicable submissions this year, and well, some of them need to be posted in advance of the actual holiday. Much like Malina, I can’t - and I WON’T! - wait any longer. They need to be shared. Or perhaps you prefer the term “transmitted”? 

This submission has so much going on, it’s hard (another terrible pun) to know where to begin. I guess it makes sense to start with, “Holy fucking shit, these women are unironically discussing sexual positions on Facebook.” I’m somewhat amused that Michele spells her version of the sexual position in question “doggy style,” while Malina prefers “doggie style,” leading me to logically conclude that Michele has sex like a German Shepherd while Malina is more of a Yorkie.

Regardless of this entertaining detail, though, I really didn’t need to read the words, “No kissing, all the fun and cervix stimulation.” Girl, this isn’t health class. This isn’t some show on the OWN network. How Michele can honestly believe she’s passing along sound advice, as if Malina, who is already pregnant, doesn’t know how to “take it from behind,” is mind-boggling to me. I almost expected Malina to respond, “Lol, yeah,” or “Thanks for the tip ;).” Because…duh. The lady is nine months pregnant; she’s aware of the most conducive way(s) to have sex with her husband. But no. Of course she didn’t say that. Of course she continued on as though Facebook is the perfect place to ponder out loud the best way(s) to bone her husband, which is just….so, so wrong. And then Emily comes along with her unintentional-yet-comical-yet-disgusting choice of words, and I’m left feeling like I need to drink a glass bottle magnum of Sauvignon Blanc myself. 

What’s next? A report on the status of her pubic hair?

Without fail, every time someone says "LMFAO" or “ROTFL” on Facebook, it is the opposite of such a thing. Although, I’d much rather read about Elsa’s giant bush getting trimmed with a pair of hedge shears than hear more about Malina and Michele’s magic boinking recipe. So I guess that’s a plus. I love “finishing” on a positive note! (Terrible pun #3!!!!) 

Related: the SEX WAS AWESOME

(submitted by Anonymous)

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