This week for my Mommyish column I wrote about the submissions I hate receiving the most: chain letter updates. When I say “hate receiving” I don’t mean I’m ungrateful to the submitters; I mean it’s infuriating to see how many people are lazy and annoying enough to post disingenuous copy/paste updates about topics ranging from “REAL parents” to “PROUD parents” to “UNSELFISH parents” and beyond.

Part of the reason I despise these messages so much (aside from being totally unoriginal) is their “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” vibe. Like if you even remotely fit the description, why wouldn’t you repost the message?! I think on some level, we might all be susceptible to posting one, depending on the content. Like for me, if I saw one that read, “If you hate chain status updates and have no freaking clue why people share them, repost this!”, then hey, who knows? Maybe a little voice in my head would say, “ME! I hate them! ME!! REPOST!!!”

OK, probably not, but you get my point. Many of these updates are crafted by people who are aware of the fact that moms enjoy feeling “connected” to other moms by sharing in their parenting experiences/struggles via chain updates. It’s almost like a reflex to repost them. And because of that, there are SO MANY OF THEM. I don’t even think I could count how many duplicates I’ve gotten of this. And sure, occasionally there are humorous moments, like this Thin Mints mommyjacking from last year, but most of the time it’s just a rambling speech that makes very little sense and serves no legitimate purpose. 

So today, I give the middle finger to chain letter updates. Between this post and the Mommyish column, I’m showcasing a total of 16 examples, and that’s just a fraction of the hundreds that exist. Here’s the first batch for your consideration:

1. The “Classic”

This is a lot like the “Mom 24/7” message that lists the myriad jobs of a mom. ”I brush my daughter’s teeth so I’m a dentist! I am tough enough to scare away the boogie man so I’m a nightclub bouncer!” “I take pictures of my children EVERY DAY so I’m a photographer!” “I took an option of payment in LOVE and THAT’S MY GODDAMN CHOICE AND I’M THRILLED TO HAVE MADE IT!!!!” Yawn.

2. Keepin’ It Real

Occasionally there are sympathy chain messages like this one that seem reasonable, I guess, but are still as pointless as ever. We all know what it’s like to have a messy house, and I think it’s far more common to assume you wouldn’t want to eat off a person’s floor than the reverse. For that reason this post confuses me a bit. What kind of person judges her friends based on a full trashcan? And why would my reaction to my friend’s pile of laundry be, “Well, at least I know she’s keeping those kids in clean clothes!”? What a strange way to justify pretty much everything.

3. The Double-Decker

At least it wasn’t a triple-decker, or a duodecuple-decker. That said, why post the same tired message that you didn’t even write yourself more than once? Doing so automatically takes a chain status from “slightly annoying” to “pure torture.” ~♥~

4. Child Abuse

Hey guys, you know what’s uncool? Beating children to death. FYI, that’s something called “child abuse,” and it’s really, really important to get the message out that you’re against it. Otherwise, people might think you’re for it, and well, you don’t even want to go there. Just post this message and you should be OK. PS: Hope you’re enjoying your lunch break!

5. Only a Mother

Who wrote this? Carrie White’s mother? “Only a mother feels her kids own pain physically”? “Only a mother thinks of the future b/c she is the one who gave birth to it”? Damn. I know children “give their parents’ lives meaning,” but this is pretty heavy-handed. Meghan might want to lay off the breast milk. I’ve heard that stuff can go straight to your head.

6. Love More Than Life

“To allow your heart to walk around outside your body” was a lyric from this Garbage song, right? I mean, “I would die for you” is a nice (?) sentiment and all, but it’s also a little odd to say it in the same casual tone that you’d use to order a cheeseburger. “Hi, I’m a mom and I’d like a #7 with an orange soda, a small fry, and some extra ketchup. Oh, and I’d die for my children. Thanks! I’ll pull around to the second window.”

7. Bullying and Stereotyping

Woe is EVERYONE. But um, what exactly are these updates implying? What about the girls who give birth at 14 who weren’t raped? What about the fat girl who doesn’t have a disease that causes her to be overweight? What about the ugly old man who hit all the ugly branches when he fell out of the ugly tree at birth? Or the kid who runs screaming in the supermarket but doesn’t have autism? Do we hate those people or like those people? Can I bully them, PLEASE? Someone let me know, kthx! (Bet none of you will)

8. Pro-Life Agendas

This chain update is as crazy as it is long, and I apologize for the teeny text. But I strongly encourage you to read it, because it is INSANE. And honestly, I don’t think insane people should be allowed to have Facebook accounts. Anyone who reposts this crap is dead to me. Heh, get it? Abortion jokes? No, really, though, this is even worse than people setting up Facebook accounts for their fetuses. Not cool.

9. Mom’s Gold Star

Don’t worry, RK. You’re thinking what the rest of us are thinking, and that’s a good thing. We’re on your side. We support you completely. Chain letter statuses are stupid. Gold Star for you! 

Don’t forget to check out the other (equally ridiculous) seven examples on Mommyish, and please feel free to “re-write” your own examples in the comments, as the parody potential is simply far too great. 

(submitted by Anonymous)