From late November straight through the month of December, the internet is saturated with gift guides. Everyone has a gift guide. “Gifts for your boss!” “Great gifts for that relative you can’t stand!” “Top 25 gifts for your neurotic pet squirrel!” So this year I figured, hey, why not create my own? I get tons of submissions that have gift potential! Like what about this gently-used exersaucer? Or an hour-long session with a talented tattoo artist? Hell, half of the parents on Facebook are trying to give their own kids away! You can’t put a price on that, you guys.

Human children = excellent gift potential. Plus, they’re FREE!

So like I was saying, gift guides are the cornerstone of any “legitimate” website, and I’ve decided that this year, I am 2 legit 2 quit. As a matter of fact, some parents have even created their own “gift guides” AKA “wish lists” for their babies, because you know how hard it can be to shop for babies. They’re so finicky!

You do what you can! Here are some ideas I came up with - for kids and their moms.

Gifts for the Kids 

1. BB Gun

Why screw around? Just get your one-year-old that pink BB gun she’s had her eye on and stop questioning yourself, Heather! Guns + babies = Christmas.

2. Deluxe Solid Wood Standing Art Easel, Easel Accessory Set, and Paper - Note: NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR 2-YEAR-OLDS OR TWINS 

Can your little ones use this deluxe solid wood standing art easel? Because Melissa’s kids CANNOT. She’s selling it for the low-low price of $75, i.e. the amount some clueless individual spent on gifts for Melissa’s TWIN (as in TWO) girls, as if that’s even remotely acceptable. Your kids will love it, though! Especially if they’re old enough. Grrr!!!

3. 2012 Gabe-a-Licious Calendar

I’m not going to lie - I’m a fan of any gal who makes her Facebook name “Shannanigans” and comes up with punny ideas for themed pictures of her son. But hocking a calendar o’ Gabe for $16.95? Wow. Why not just distribute them as gifts, Shannanigans? Your friends all need one; they’re always forgetting things.  

4. Happy Feet

Have you always wanted to give the gift of cartoon sin? Well, today’s your lucky day! Brandy has an extra copy of “Happy Feet” that you could probably score if you act fast. Otherwise, it’ll be burned and destroyed in her backyard by dawn.

5. Salon Discount

It’s too small to read, but Madison’s update says, “You know your baby goes to the salon too much when she gets a card in the mail from them… Hey HBI, can Scarlett’s mama use this?!” According to the submitter, Scarlett has just turned one year old. It’s never too soon to give the gift of beautification.

6. Whatever Your Kid Wants

The rule is, you can get your kids whatever they want, but ONLY if you post about how absurd the gift is on Facebook. Spoiling kids comes with a price!

Gifts for Moms

1. Shiny Things 

This submission is from last year, and boy do I hope Angi got all the jewelry that her three-month-old son wanted her to have. That sneaky little fart, always hacking into Angi’s email account to send his daddy links to shiny things that Angi likes! What a rascal! 

2. This Handy Doorbell Sign

Joanna’s greeting sign is a pretty snazzy gift idea on its own (don’t even get her started on delivery people ringing her bell during nap time!), but it’s Kylie’s suggestion that really takes the idea over the top. What mother doesn’t want a built-in boxing glove positioned by the front door, just a doorbell ring away from smashing dickheads in the face? This is a hot-ticket item in 2011.

3. The “My Quotable Kid” Book

This is the gift that keeps on giving. First moms use the book to write down all the awesome things their kids say. Then they turn around and publish that bad boy so that everyone gets to read them. You can’t do THAT on Facebook! Give your friend the book this year, and next year you’ll receive your own filled-out copy in return. :)

4. Condescension 

Finally, this year give the gift of being better than everyone else. It doesn’t cost more than a simple vacation, and your friends will all respect you so much more knowing that you’re not feeding into consumerism. Of course, you don’t have to announce that you’re better than everyone else on Facebook if you don’t want to, but otherwise how will people know? They might even start looking for your gift in the mail if you don’t tell them that what they’re getting is so much better than unnecessary material goods. When you give the gift of condescension, it’s important to shout it out from your organic rooftop garden. That way everyone knows if they want to give you something in return, they can just ‘adopt a family’ in your name or something. It’s a little thing called selflessness. Maybe people like Tammy could try it sometime when they’re not busy poring over consumer-driven gift guides on the internet!

(submitted by Anonymous)