The Future of Baby Names

With baby name lists circulating all over the internet this week as we draw near to the end of 2011 (Best Baby Names! Popular Baby Names! Trendy Baby Names! etc.), I thought it would be fun to take another look at the names people are giving their kids these days. But more than that, to consider the obsession some parents have with choosing the perfect yoonique name and ensuring that their child be THE ONLY ONE with that yoonique name (be it the spelling, pronunciation or the name itself). Taking into account the fact that we now have seven billion people on this planet, I’m guessing that would be nearly impossible. But God love ‘em for trying. 

My first round-up of baby name trends is over on Mommyish, and I highly recommend checking it out for some Grade A WTF. But before you do, read through the submissions below that I set aside just for the blog. And remember, I’m not telling anyone what to name or not name their kid. I’m also not suggesting that parents haven’t been giving their children yoonique names for many years. I’m simply pointing out the parenting trends as I see them for entertainment purposes. Now let’s begin!

1. The Folksy Name

I secretly hope A. has a brood of children all named after instruments and has a secret ploy to make them all play in a band together, Jackson 5 style. They will each play the instrument they were named after, and it will be glorious. Banjo, Tambourine, Electric Guitar, Bass and Drum Solo will surely make beautiful music together - like the Hanson brothers but better! (As if that’s even possible.)

2. The “Commonly Yoonique” Name

We all know the name Makayla/Macayla/Mackayluh/Ma’Kayla has taken off in recent years, and to me it’s an interesting case study. It’s gotten so popular so quickly that some parents don’t know what to do with themselves. They want to use the name, but they don’t want it to seem common. So they’re adding apostrophes and dashes and extra letters and all kinds of other fancy stuff. If only it was possible to bedazzle a name. Maybe with asterisks? 

3. Hippie Names

I can’t take credit for the editing here since the submission came to me this way, but suffice it to say it’s probably a good visual representation of what people think when Kim introduces her children. Obviously the original family that comes to mind that used names like these is that of River Phoenix, but even they don’t have a Rainfall. 

4. Baby Spice

This is one of my current favorite submissions. From Cayenne to CyAnn to Cyan, I’m smitten. Everything that’s “wrong” with yoonique names can be found in this thread. Also, Thresea, wow. That’s some serious name butchery your parents stuck you with. Do you pronounce it “Th-res-ia”? How about just getting it legally changed back to the proper spelling? Am I just talking to myself at this point? Yeah, I thought so.

5. Mama Drama

The worst thing about mama drama is when the drama surrounds a ridiculous name with no apparent meaning or historical significance and you have to pretend that you’re totally down with it to support your friend. Man, that’s the worst. 

Then again, I guess Suzannah’s friends are being sincere considering Belinda named her kids Memphis and Dash, and Melissa named her kid after the capital of Wyoming (intentionally misspelled, of course). Or rather, Melissa gave her kid a name but told everyone to call her by her middle name, but then everyone got confused by that and called the kid by her first name, and now Melissa is all "Grrr" about it. Right. I think this is why happy hour was invented.

6. Mom’s Gold Star

Poor Robbie. No one cares about his pointed joke. No one even GETS his joke. Robbie gets no respect, I tell ya. Well, Robbie, *I* respect your joke. I’ll even give you a Gold Star for having the balls to make the damn joke. Whenever I’m in a sea of stupid, I usually just keep my mouth shut out of fear. You, my friend, are one gutsy, sense-makin’ guy. (And for the record, my vote is on Emersyn.)

7. XXX Fetish

The submitter says, “Not only did these people give their kid a stupid name, but they posted about it in their local newspaper.” Hey, when your kids’ names are Dreysen, Karvyr, Alyrya, and Xyvyn Xanyl-Xarryn, you’re a couple of proud-ass parents! You can’t just sit on the news, you’ve gotta spread it like wildfire!

Still, it’s a little funny that XXX’s parents opted for the more traditional route of putting a baby announcement in the newspaper, and yet they named their son the most “future-forward” name I can possibly imagine. (In the future, no one will be able to read.) Irony sure does creep in when you least expect it.

For more of the krazy baby name kraze, check out my column on Mommyish! I’ll give you a little hint: If you don’t read my column, God punish you. 

Related: Crazy Baby Names Round-Up, Part I

(submitted by Anonymous)

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