For this week’s column on Mommyish, I revisit the infuriating and complex art of mommyjacking. As regular readers know, mommyjackings can occur at any time and for any reason (or for no reason at all!). Drive-bys have become rather commonplace, with mommyjackers assaulting their friends’ walls when they least expect it all over Facebook. It’s a full-on epidemic. Like I said on Mommyish, it’s almost comical, except for the fact that the mommyjackers are so incredibly annoying.
So to continue in my quest to classify the different types of mommyjackers (one day there’ll be a whole encyclopedia!), here’s a round-up of submissions that complement the column. Read through to discover your “favorite.”
1. The Non-Sequitur MommyJacker
Always a favorite of mine (“The Monkeys” and “Kaitlyn said mamma”, anyone??!!), the non-sequitur mommyjacking registers high on the WTF scale. In this case, Rachel’s comment isn’t so much a non-sequitur as is her train of thought. While I understand the ‘mother’s intuition’ she describes, what does the sunset Lauren is talking about have to do with the sunset that Rachel saw before she found out the sex of her baby? Does Rachel always tell that story when someone mentions a sunset? And when are we as a people going to stop associating pink with girls and blue with boys? WHEN? IT’S SO INFURIATING!
(OK, I’m not really infuriated by that, but I do think it’s stupid.)
2. The DeathJacker
We’ve seen a lot of deathjacking on the blog, and much like grief itself, each submission takes a while to process. What is it about another person’s loss that causes some people to think, “I know what to do! I’ll post a picture of my kid wearing adorable slippers. He looks so cute, my grieving friend will be sweetly coaxed into a fleeting moment of happiness as her heart fills with smiles and joy!”? Elmo slippers are cute, but they’re not that cute. If Sharon was really Barbara’s friend, she wouldn’t use Barbara’s relative’s death as an excuse to show off her kid. Then again, Sharon’s whole comment strikes me as odd. “My heart feels your sadness”? “You will be strong for all that need you”? Bitch, step off.
3. The Bitchy MommyJacker
Ha, oh Mary. You silly goose. Don’t you know that by posting about your to do list you’re only encouraging parents who have FAR more going on than you do to rub it in your face? You really don’t get it, huh? Here, let me spell it out for you: Vicki is very busy. You are not. END OF STORY.
4. The “Witty”
Hehehe! Boogers and bellies and tickles, oh my! My nails can’t be fabulous; I’m a MOM. What am I going to do? Dig out all the dirt and peanut butter and poop out from under my nails every night? I don’t think so! Gah!! I don’t even have time to get my nails done anymore. My job makes it too hard :-/ But yours look real nice with all the green glitter and flower designs! Enjoy them! Hehe
5. The One-Upper MommyJacker
Oh really, the last 4 days have been terrible for you? Try living with a toddler in his terrible twos. You think your head hurts now? Spend an afternoon with a toddler. You don’t KNOW headaches until you babysit a toddler. Your head will be nice and comfy after that! What’s that you say - your week has been a nightmare? Try living with a toddler who has nightmares about monsters every night. Try explaining over and over that monsters don’t live under the bed. Do that for 4 days, and then talk to me about how your head feels. You will probably think your life is blissful in comparison. Right now you have no idea!
To read more mommyjacking examples, check out my column on Mommyish! #5 will teach you the definition of “the bright side.”
(submitted by Anonymous)