Fright Fest 2011: Placenta As Art 

This week on Mommyish, I talk about everyone’s favorite subject: placentas! But unlike the readers of that site, you guys are a little more…how do I say this?…ah, yes, advanced. Not that the moms who read Mommyish aren’t acutely aware of their placentas; for all I know, half of them have eaten and/or made hats out of their fetomaternal organs upon giving birth. But what you readers have seen, as they say, cannot be unseen

Because of that, I’ve decided to treat you to more than just a complementary post featuring people yammering about the many uses of their placenta, and I’ve narrowed the focus to just one use: ART. Beautiful, bloody art. Yes, today I’m going to walk you through a gallery of goo to show you how to paint with your placenta, and you all better shut up and like it. This is a GIFT, just like a baby is a gift, just like an after-home baby gift is a gift, so break out your smocks and your acrylics and let’s get started!

As you can see above, painting with your placenta (or a placenta purchased on the black market) starts with a veiny, gelatinous placenta in a bowl. 

The placenta gets washed (or something), which is the perfect time to sit and stare at its membranes. Has anyone seen membranes growing out of the base of the cord insertion before?? This shit is incredible!!!

Next, you lay the placenta on a pan that you may or may not use later to bake cookies.

Apply some paint, and start getting messy! You may want to throw on a Tina Turner wig and crank up some jams to take your placenta party from “average” to “off the umbilical cord chain.” Wear gloves or don’t! Just try to resist biting into the placenta after the paint has been applied. Placenta art isn’t about snacking. It’s about FUN. Snacks can wait. (Remember, you can make cookies once you clean the pan!)

To get the “tree of life” look, paint the vessels. Experiment with this look, and don’t be afraid to break out your fancy paint brushes. This is an exercise is creativity. You’re getting back to your roots, literally! Don’t hold back.

Twist the cord in a variety of shapes like a balloon animal before creating a cool trunk effect. Consider saving, and never washing, the dish towel the placenta is laying on because it could be a wonderful wedding gift when your baby grows up and gets married one day. Who wouldn’t appreciate that sentiment, or that smell? It’s the smell of LIFE!

Slap that meaty pancake of veins and tissue in a frame, and voila! Priceless art that’s one-of-a-kind! Ha ha, I kid…like you’d be able to stuff a whole placenta in a frame! I’m so silly. 

In all seriousness, though, it’s important to paint the veins so they really pop. Otherwise, you have failed as an artist.

Sit back and admire your work. Laugh at your lameass friend who wishes she hadn’t frozen her placenta and pat yourself on the back with a smug sense of satisfaction. What kind of idiot freezes her placenta when she could create original art with it?! Earth to everyone, if you haven’t fondled one of your organs and decorated it with a selection of paints on random Wednesday night, you’re missing out. BIG TIME. 

To read more about good times with placentas - and how placenta extract relates to jam - check out my post on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

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