When my kid barfed in my hair, pooped in her bath and had her face firmly planted on each of my boobs for a year, I never, ever complained. But missing a Dave Matthews Band show? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? No.

This is why I told my friends for all those years that we should follow Widespread or Phish. If I had followed those bands, I could bring my kid no problem. I could easily find a crew of girls sewing in the parking lot and pawn her off on them for a couple hours. Who am I supposed to find at the lot tailgate at DMB? My younger brother’s frat? This sucks. Everyone knows I can’t do this with a freaking baby on my hip!

Oh and by the way, you can’t teach the noodle dance, R. You just feel it.

(submitted by S.)