Fright Fest 2013 - Pass The Tissues

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Well, this is it. I’m queuing up Boyz II Men, curling up by the fire, and sipping swilling bourbon straight from the bottle, because Fright Fest is really, truly over. How it took us this long to get here, I do not know, but at last the time has arrived to resume regular posts and avoid puke and snot for a while. It’s as much a relief to me as it is to you, believe me. 

HOWEVER, I didn’t post ye olde traditional Birth Pics Round-Up for Fright Fest this year, and I still plan to put that up closer to Christmas as a special holiday gift. I won’t tell you anymore about it now so as to not ruin the joy of surprise, but let’s just say it’ll be a festive delight. 

As for wrapping up this year’s Fright Fest, what can eye say? This year’s posts have been disturbingly memorable. I know I won’t ever forget certain posts, and I’m looking forward to not editing another picture of something gooey for a bit. Unless it’s in honor of Thanksgiving which is just around the corner. Does anyone remember Cranberry Sauce??? Yeahh. Of course you do. 

I’ll be back tomorrow with a post about one of my favorite subjects: Baby Visitation Rules! Who doesn’t like being told what to do (and what not to do) by new parents? It’s one of the best things about a friend or family member having a baby. I also wrote a column about visitation rules over on Mommyish that you can read right here. No placentas were harmed in the making of the column, I swear. 

Related: "That’s All, Folks!"Curtain Call, and Eye Won

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Fright Fest ‘13 - Tease & Reveal: The Sink vs. The Toilet

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With only two posts remaining, we’re scarily close to the end of Fright Fest, but technically this post might be the grossest one of the season. For me, anyway, though people tend to have somewhat personal aversions to Fright Fest. Between the snot, poop, bonesplacentas, and vomit, there’s usually something for everyone. Unless you’re the type who doesn’t get freaked out by ANYTHING, which I guess would mean you win Fright Fest.

But as far as I know, everyone who reads this site has a breaking point, and for me, that point is today’s post. It’s so disgusting, I can’t believe a real person posted it. Candace should lose all Facebook privileges and possibly have her internet access revoked entirely. She certainly hasn’t earned the right to shorten “before” to “b4,” not after posting a prohibitively vile picture. Huh-uh. No ma’am. And what’s up with the bullshit “warning” she wrote at the beginning of her status update? As if a two-word warning could distract a person’s eyes from wandering down and regrettably seeing this:

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Fright Fest ‘13 - Placenta Round-Up

I held off posting this for as long as I could, but here we are. The moment of placenta truth. I think the thing that’s both fascinating and horrifying about placenta posts is that, much like snowflakes, all placentas appear to be a little different. This is a fun fact that I’ve come to understand only through voluntary eyeball torture (aka going through submissions), and it’s something I want to, er, emphasize in today’s post. Placentas can take on so many forms and colors! They’re the “chameleon” of organs! Sort of. And yet, despite their individual differences, they all equally disgust me. Funny how that works.

I’m not saying that I don’t have my favorites or anything. I dole out awards from time to time. Remember the ugliest placenta I’d ever seen? Or the placenta we’ve all affectionately come to know as Seal’s Meat? And who could forget mommy’s first placenta shake, which looked and apparently tasted “like heaven”? Each of these posts has touched me — and all of us — in ways we never could have predicted. I’ve dropped snacks on my lap. I’ve winced and shuddered (wuddered? shinced?) at the same time. And now it’s time for me to introduce you guys to six more unforgettable placentas in their various “spotlights.” It’s their time to shine!

1. Dehydrating Placenta

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Mmmm, slip another piece of placenta on the barbie! Yum yum yum. And I love the way Pamela politely introduces Hettie to her placenta. “Hettie, this is my placenta & 34 inch cord. I’ve already told them both all about you. :-)” 

2. Frozen Waste Placenta

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Ha ha ha, you know what’s more fun than playing in the ocean? Dropping bio-hazardous waste into the ocean! Okay, technically the ocean has plenty of crazy shit in it, from sunken ships and dead bodies to chemical dumps and oil spills, but really, was that the best place for Melissa to deposit her placenta? And was it necessary to tell everyone about it on Facebook? Now I’ll never be able to bodyboard without imagining Melissa and her bucket o’ blood.

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