Fright Fest ‘13 - Tease & Reveal: The Sink vs. The Toilet

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With only two posts remaining, we’re scarily close to the end of Fright Fest, but technically this post might be the grossest one of the season. For me, anyway, though people tend to have somewhat personal aversions to Fright Fest. Between the snot, poop, bonesplacentas, and vomit, there’s usually something for everyone. Unless you’re the type who doesn’t get freaked out by ANYTHING, which I guess would mean you win Fright Fest.

But as far as I know, everyone who reads this site has a breaking point, and for me, that point is today’s post. It’s so disgusting, I can’t believe a real person posted it. Candace should lose all Facebook privileges and possibly have her internet access revoked entirely. She certainly hasn’t earned the right to shorten “before” to “b4,” not after posting a prohibitively vile picture. Huh-uh. No ma’am. And what’s up with the bullshit “warning” she wrote at the beginning of her status update? As if a two-word warning could distract a person’s eyes from wandering down and regrettably seeing this:

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Fright Fest ‘13 - Placenta Round-Up

I held off posting this for as long as I could, but here we are. The moment of placenta truth. I think the thing that’s both fascinating and horrifying about placenta posts is that, much like snowflakes, all placentas appear to be a little different. This is a fun fact that I’ve come to understand only through voluntary eyeball torture (aka going through submissions), and it’s something I want to, er, emphasize in today’s post. Placentas can take on so many forms and colors! They’re the “chameleon” of organs! Sort of. And yet, despite their individual differences, they all equally disgust me. Funny how that works.

I’m not saying that I don’t have my favorites or anything. I dole out awards from time to time. Remember the ugliest placenta I’d ever seen? Or the placenta we’ve all affectionately come to know as Seal’s Meat? And who could forget mommy’s first placenta shake, which looked and apparently tasted “like heaven”? Each of these posts has touched me — and all of us — in ways we never could have predicted. I’ve dropped snacks on my lap. I’ve winced and shuddered (wuddered? shinced?) at the same time. And now it’s time for me to introduce you guys to six more unforgettable placentas in their various “spotlights.” It’s their time to shine!

1. Dehydrating Placenta

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Mmmm, slip another piece of placenta on the barbie! Yum yum yum. And I love the way Pamela politely introduces Hettie to her placenta. “Hettie, this is my placenta & 34 inch cord. I’ve already told them both all about you. :-)” 

2. Frozen Waste Placenta

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Ha ha ha, you know what’s more fun than playing in the ocean? Dropping bio-hazardous waste into the ocean! Okay, technically the ocean has plenty of crazy shit in it, from sunken ships and dead bodies to chemical dumps and oil spills, but really, was that the best place for Melissa to deposit her placenta? And was it necessary to tell everyone about it on Facebook? Now I’ll never be able to bodyboard without imagining Melissa and her bucket o’ blood.

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Post-Halloween ‘13 MEGA-Round-Up!

Some people have been asking if Fright Fest is officially over — like really FOR REAL over — and the answer is OF COURSE IT’S NOT. It will be soon — so soon!! — but sadly I still have a few more horrifying posts that need to go up, as Halloween and Fright Fest are the biggest “holiday” on the blog, and you guys don’t want to be terrorized by a placenta round-up in, say, March, do you? I’m not saying there won’t be any placentas posted on the blog between now and Fright Fest ‘14, but the fact is, I got a little behind in my plethora of unholy posts and now I am going to torture the loyal readers of this site until the posts run out. Which is to say, by Wednesday or Thursday, the site should be back to normal. 

With that said, this post isn’t gross! It’s just a collection of Halloween-themed submissions that have to do with the holiday itself. Not poop, or snot, or bones jutting out of kids’ feet. Just some good old-fashioned status updates to commemorate the day, because every year parents talk about Halloween on Facebook in the most ridiculous of ways, and those updates deserve to be mocked celebrated. I also wrote a column with more examples on Mommyish, if you want to check that out. There are close to 200 impassioned comments, because some people take Halloween seriously. Dead seriously. Which is the opposite of how I feel about it.

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Let’s take a look at the various types of Halloween updates posted by parents and keep this belated and played-out Fright Fest party rolling, y’all!

1. Dressing Up Like a Father

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Hey, all you biznatches and mother truckers, I wanna give a shout out to all the bum dads out there who don’t parent for shit! Here’s a costume idea for you broke-ass chumps: Go as a “father” and you won’t even get recognized by your friends and family! Ha ha, because everyone knows you suck at being a dad. Here’s how you do it: Get a jacket and stick stuff on it that you would give your kid if you didn’t suck at being a dad: teddy bears, money, birthday cards, bank bonds for college, Children’s Tylenol because you’re never there to help when the kid is sick, and maybe O YEAH some condoms, because you should’ve been wearing one when you created a baby!! bwahahahahaha and yes this costume is 100% free from Jennifer to all the deadbeat dad mother truckers.

2. Pregnant Trick-or-Treaters

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Oh, pregnant ladies. Is there anything they can’t do? Talk their way out of speeding tickets, pee on command, beg for free candy for their unborn babies…the list goes on and on. Maybe it’s a little tacky to ask for candy for a fetus, but hey, whatever scores you an extra Kit Kat, right? That’s my motto!

In all seriousness, though, any pregnant woman who’s wearing something like this is welcome to ask me for candy any day of the year:

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That baby doll looks hangry for some mini-Snickers.

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