Some people have been asking if Fright Fest is officially over — like really FOR REAL over — and the answer is OF COURSE IT’S NOT. It will be soon — so soon!! — but sadly I still have a few more horrifying posts that need to go up, as Halloween and Fright Fest are the biggest “holiday” on the blog, and you guys don’t want to be terrorized by a placenta round-up in, say, March, do you? I’m not saying there won’t be any placentas posted on the blog between now and Fright Fest ‘14, but the fact is, I got a little behind in my plethora of unholy posts and now I am going to torture the loyal readers of this site until the posts run out. Which is to say, by Wednesday or Thursday, the site should be back to normal.
With that said, this post isn’t gross! It’s just a collection of Halloween-themed submissions that have to do with the holiday itself. Not poop, or snot, or bones jutting out of kids’ feet. Just some good old-fashioned status updates to commemorate the day, because every year parents talk about Halloween on Facebook in the most ridiculous of ways, and those updates deserve to be
mocked celebrated. I also wrote a column with more examples on Mommyish, if you want to check that out. There are close to 200 impassioned comments, because some people take Halloween seriously. Dead seriously. Which is the opposite of how I feel about it.
Let’s take a look at the various types of Halloween updates posted by parents and keep this belated and played-out Fright Fest party rolling, y’all!
1. Dressing Up Like a Father
Hey, all you biznatches and mother truckers, I wanna give a shout out to all the bum dads out there who don’t parent for shit! Here’s a costume idea for you broke-ass chumps: Go as a “father” and you won’t even get recognized by your friends and family! Ha ha, because everyone knows you suck at being a dad. Here’s how you do it: Get a jacket and stick stuff on it that you would give your kid if you didn’t suck at being a dad: teddy bears, money, birthday cards, bank bonds for college, Children’s Tylenol because you’re never there to help when the kid is sick, and maybe O YEAH some condoms, because you should’ve been wearing one when you created a baby!! bwahahahahaha and yes this costume is 100% free from Jennifer to all the deadbeat dad mother truckers.
2. Pregnant Trick-or-Treaters
Oh, pregnant ladies. Is there anything they can’t do? Talk their way out of speeding tickets, pee on command, beg for free candy for their unborn babies…the list goes on and on. Maybe it’s a little tacky to ask for candy for a fetus, but hey, whatever scores you an extra Kit Kat, right? That’s my motto!
In all seriousness, though, any pregnant woman who’s wearing something like this is welcome to ask me for candy any day of the year:
That baby doll looks hangry for some mini-Snickers.