Christmas ‘13: A Narrative Poem

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How charming is this satire of "A Visit From St. Nicholas," written by an adorable dad named Noah? His daughter’s festive barf not only inspired rhymes like “PJ’s / holidays” and “Christmas Eve / dry heave,” but it inspired a little barf photography, as well. No poem about vomit is complete without a picture. Sure, part of what makes poetry great is that it’s visually evocative by design, and most of the time no image is necessary. But when a clever guy like Noah takes the time to pair a finely-crafted (and FUNNY) puke poem with an aerial puke picture, it’s like all of a sudden you can’t imagine experiencing one without the other. He knew just what his puke poem needed: a smattering of his kid’s chunky Mac and Cheese barf. ‘Twas the final flourish.

Now, if only parents like Noah and Melinda would stop intentionally misspelling their kids’ first names to be different. “Brooklynn”? Because it’s a combination of the city “Brooklyn” and the name “Lynn”? How does Noah expect his friends to read his metred verses of barf poetry in good humor when he gave his daughter a name like “Brooklynn”? Unless, of course, he and Melinda gave Brooklynn her name as a nod to Mary J. Blige’s alter ego, at which point I apologize and offer my sincere respect.

Related: The Sink vs. The Toilet

(submitted by Anonymous)

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Christmas ‘13: Xmas Eve Round-Up

The lead-up to Christmas is almost as much a cause for celebration as the big day itself. People begin casting “Christmas” and “Santa” as central characters in their Facebook updates as early as mid-November, and by the end of December, you better believe they’re keeping the holidays top-of-mind when they’re posting online (with or without an Elf on the Shelf obsession). Let’s check out some of the ways Christmas made an appearance in this year’s pre-December 25th submissions:

1. Mid-Labor Wish List

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One of the best things about the myth of Santa is the way Santa’s got everything covered. Anything you want, Santa’s got. A particular toy, a gold watch, perhaps a mid-labor epidural — they’re all within Santa’s reach. Naturally, it makes sense for Lisa to take a minute out from laboring to make her request formally known on Facebook. Back in the day, a pregnant woman had to hand-write letters to Santa weeks in advance to request an epidural, but in 2013 she can just send a quick status update using her cell phone from a hospital bed. Technology + Santa makes epidural wishes come true. 

2. Holiday Grandmajacking

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Okay, here’s the thing: It’s great when grandparents are excited about their grandkids, especially when a new baby is going to be born “any day!” However, I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen this exact type of grandmajacking, and honestly, enough is enough. We get it, Lorie, you’ve been blessed with four grandchildren and can’t help sharing your excitement. But, how about waiting until the little guy has actually arrived to start grandmajacking everyone you know? “A tactful grandmajacker must exercise patience.” That’s an old Chinese proverb.

UPDATE! This submission has since come in:

Give it a rest, grandmas. 

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Christmas 2013: Inconsiderate Assholes Edition

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We already know how much some parents hate parking far from a store’s entrance, especially with the kid(s) in tow. But having to park farther than 3 feet from the door AND tolerate inconsiderate asshole drivers who park too close? Fuck. That. Noise.

Parents have STROLLERS. They have CAR SEAT CARRIERS. They have HUMAN CHILDREN, and guess what, Mr. and Mrs. Park-Too-Close-Inconsiderate-Assholes, Meghan doesn’t give a shit if Santa doesn’t bring her any gifts this year. She doesn’t want gifts; she wants revenge. And she’s more than happy to spread her own version of "yuletide cheer" all over your car door handles if that’s what the situation calls for.

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Haha haha haha WHUT? We are living in an age where it’s not only funny and so awesome to smear a dirty diaper on a stranger’s car door handles, but it’s also appropriate to brag about it on Facebook and expect a resounding chorus of “lol”s and “love it!”s in the comments. Seriously, guys, I’m not trying to get all doomsday in the final days of the year, but this is not a good sign for the future of the human race. Or the future of the automotive industry, for that matter, since apparently most cars are going to be covered in shit within a matter of years. Just imagine if you’d smeared a baby’s nasty diaper contents onto the door handles of every single car that’s ever parked too closely to yours. I’m talking about a major shit bonanza, and that’s not even including all the years that Hummers and Suburbans were popular (although technically those cars would qualify as my Top 2 shit-victims).

Do we as a people have a shred of common decency left, if not for our fellow parking lot neighbors, then for ourselves? Not to sound elitist, but if I ever wiped my proverbial baby’s shit all over someone else’s car’s door handles, it wouldn’t exactly register as a peak moment in my life. It’s almost as though Meghan translated the expression “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” to mean, “Throw poop at stuff in the wintertime!” Which… no. That’s what chimps do. Chimps and people who define karma as “Exerting maximum spitefulness upon individuals who mildly cramp your style at the mall.” Way to keep civilization moving forward, Meghan.

(submitted by Anonymous)

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