At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking “supposably” is a valid word. Unfortunately, though, the moms in the following two submissions are in that other 1%. They didn’t check themselves before they wrecked themselves, and now their friends are aware of their ridiculous birthday blunders. Bless their hearts. 

I wonder what it’s like to have your mom sing “Happy Birthday” to you when you wake up and adorn you with a shirt that says “I am 3,” only to have the title temporarily stripped due to human error. Sounds kinda sucky. But hey, at least Sasha is only turning three. He probably just saw a butterfly and forgot about it all within a matter of seconds. It’s when you get a little older that things tend to resonate more. After all, you can practically set a computer to program your whole life these days. In the Age Of Reminders, there’s no excuse for “Sixteen Candles-esque” scenarios or mistakes.

“To” early, is it, Kellie? Methinks the lady doth Facebook too much. It’s one thing to accidentally wish your child a happy birthday and cite the wrong age, but to then write “to” instead of “too”? No. That is where I and many others before me draw the line. You have to take a stand for something in this life, and I’m taking one on “to” and “too.” I feel we may have lost the “your/you’re” fight, and “they’re/their/there” was a pipe dream, but “to/too” still has a chance to be understood by all. I hope after Kellie adds another candle to Bryceten’s (?!) birthday cake, she takes a few minutes out to read his English textbook. Kids tend to learn these grammar lessons right around his age group. His real age group, that is. ZING. Better luck next year!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter] who’s turning [age here]! They grow up so fast!” But nooooo, not these parents. They want to share a little more detail than that! 

I mean, duh, your child is turning six, whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. What everyone really wants to know is, when did the water break, was the birth vaginal, and did you make a placenta-truffle casserole or just eat it raw??? Here are seven parents who heard their friends’ silent cries for more, and boy, did they deliver. (Pun intended. Sorry.)

1. Sanctimommy BIRTH Day 

Whoaaa Jeannine’s getting SASSY with the name drama! I can practically hear her emphasizing each syllable in that first line. She may as well have said, “I’m pretty sure his birth certificate says LOGAN, Tiff. You stupid nickname-doling bitch.” Also, what does “I did everything I could to try to pick a name people couldn’t put a nickname on” mean? Did Jeannine hold focus groups to test her favorite names? Did she write down every single nickname possibility for every single preferred name and use process of elimination? It must be tough having done all that research and still wound up with Logie. Do her friends not recognize that she fucking HATES the nickname Logie and will publicly berate them until they stop using it? Giving Logan’s Day a shout out on Jeannine’s wall is a given, so the least Tiffany could’ve done is used some goddamn common sense when addressing him by name.

And speaking of hard work, way to be humble in your birthday update, Jeannine. You go girl. I’m sure as the years go by, you will continue to be amazed by your amazing homebirth in status updates on Facebook. 

2. Kayds

Yay, Kayds! (short for the ever-popular Kadence?!?) And yay, Natasha, for working in a mention of your water breaking for what may be five years in a row on Facebook. ♥ Not that the day your water broke should be forgotten, but it can easily pass without being mentioned five years after it happened.

3. Love Is a Battlefield

I don’t know who this woman is, but I want to be her friend. I want her to write long updates like this about our Thelma & Louise-style adventures and describe them as “a hell of a time.” I want her to call me “chunky butt” and “boobaby” and convince me to change my name to something like Kahrtridge. Is that too much to ask??

4. Placenta Smoothie < Birthday Cake

Aww, who could forget the day Red sucked down a temporary organ in smoothie form? Who could forget the taste of heaven? I’ll tell you: No one! Two things I know in life: 1. You don’t know love until you have a baby, and 2. You don’t know FLAVOR until you gulp down a viscous, bloody beverage made of liquified human meat.

5. Pushing & Squeezing

How sweet is this message? I only wish I could see the previous messages written on Pink’s other birthdays. :( I guess now I see why people use social media as a digital scrapbook. When Pink is older, she’ll be able to look back on her mother’s messages with a love and respect that she hadn’t previously understood. And yes, I’m talking about her mother’s vagina. 

Here’s the thing: If her vagina has fully recovered, why is she still talking about it online????

6. Va Jay Jay

First we read about people hopping on Jannielle’s va jay jay, and now we’re reading about 6-year-old Lucien popping out of Carolyn’s va jay jay. I’m starting to feel like I’m reading Vagina Dr. Seuss. Why am I calling this Birthday Week when it’s so obviously Va Jay Jay Week? And why am *I* the first person to come up with Va Jay Jay Week? Women several generations before me should’ve thought of this. We should be celebrating the 100th Anniversary of Va Jay Jay Week, not commemorating va jay jays as if they only now started to matter! BTW if you offended by Va Jay Jay Week… UP YOUR ASS!

7. VaGiNa Tears

Did anyone else picture this when reading “…came weeping out of my VaGiNa”? Just checking. I’m also kind of picturing a vagina weeping on the steps of the Capitol like the mopey bill in the Schoolhouse Rock song, even though I realize that Jaclyn is referring to her baby (who is now eight years old). Yay for vaginas, indeed. Viva Va Jay Jay Week!

Related: Delivery Reenactment

(submitted by Anonymous)

There are two types of people in this world: those who thrive on drama, and those who enjoy watching drama play out like the plane crash scene in “Con Air.” You can say you don’t like drama, but what you mean is, “I don’t like being involved in drama. I don’t want to get arrested.” It doesn’t mean you don’t get a thrill out of watching other people lose their minds over something like flavored water or getting a call from a crackhead in Detroit. That’s just human nature!

And does it come as any surprise that today’s example of crazy drama is about a woman who calls herself “Makais’Mommie” as part of her Facebook username? What’s up with vanity names, anyway? Why do 94% of people use just their first and last names in their Facebook username, while the other 6% list theirs as “Mikey ~Ca$$$h m0nEyy~” or “Shawna ♥♥LovesBeingBraedynsMommy♥♥”? Is it just an ode to MySpace?

Let’s check out what Kristina “Makais’Mommie” had to say about her son’s first birthday party and collectively wonder why she had a public Facebook Breakdown (because we may never really know what transpired):

1. The Announcement

I don’t know when this screenshot was taken in relation to when it was posted, but zero ‘Likes’ is a bad sign. I do know that Kristina started posting a minimum of 53 days before the party:

At least watching Scared Straight got some ‘Likes.’

2. RSVP Info

RULES: Don’t say you’re coming if you’re not sure, but also don’t NOT saying you’re coming and then still show up because that will send Kristina Makais’Mommie into a spiral of crazy so PLEASE PEOPLE just RSVP or this is only going to GET SO MUCH WORSE and you will REGRET it.

3. Notifications

I love hate to point out the obvious, but Kai is turning ONE year old so no, the lack of attendance will not phase him, but it’s because his brain is still developing and he hardly knows how to walk. The only person who cares about this party is Kristina, and her foundation is cracking.

4. Still Pre-RSVP Deadline

THIS PARTY IS A COSTUME PARTY AND FOOD IS EXTREMELY CRUCIAL. BUT ALSO YOU CAN BRING FOOD, NBD BUT YOU CAN. YELLING GETS KRISTINA MAKAIS’MOMMIE’S POINTS ACROSS OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE IDEA SINCE NO ONE SEEMS INTERESTED IN RSVP’ING TO SHARE IN THE DELIGHT OF A LITTLE BOY’S BIRTHDAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL READING DON’T FORGET TO DRESS UP OR PURCHASE A GIFT FROM THE INFANT’S REGISTRY. =)=)

5. No Ass-Bending

Even though we don’t know all of the details that led to this rant, it’s safe to assume that Kristina Makais’Mommie is PISSED that her son’s relatives won’t travel out of their way in Bugs Bunny costumes with professionally-wrapped gifts from Kai’s registry and MAYBE some snacks and potato salad, for ONE FREAKING DAY for her son. Not ONE.DAY.FOR.MAKAI. That’s a steaming pile of horse shit considering every single person has known about the party for MONTHS IN ADVANCE since Kristina’s been talking about it for MONTHS AND MONTHS. I guess now she knows who to avoid at the next reunion. And hey, three people ‘Liked’ this update. Progress!

(submitted by Anonymous)