Yoonique Baby Names: 2014 Edition

Last week on Mommyish, I resumed my annual tradition of presenting the latest baby naming trends without comment. I realize that pointing and laughing at parents’ terrible baby name choices is not the most sophisticated form of humor, but like I said last year, since when was this blog sophisticated?? I post pictures of human waste stuck to children’s heads and shuffled beneath their bare feet. I embrace submissions like Brenda and I PREG as though they were my own crazy aunt and delusional cousin. And I hate on mommyjackers just because I can. So what’s stopping me from mocking a few stupid names?!

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And yet, every year I wrestle with this post, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advocating for parents to choose conventional names like John or Sarah. I’m not. I’m simply pointing out that kids today are being given some of the most unnecessarily yoonique, unpronounceable, and embarrassingly awful names that have ever existed. It is part of my continued exploration of the dumbfounding world of modern parenting, and I don’t think reflecting on a crowded chalkboard of ill-conceived baby names qualifies as bullying. It’s more like “satire that writes itself because it’s real life.”

This year’s names selection was particularly tough to narrow down, causing me to ponder the shelf life of all those novelty name keychains available at gas stations and rest stops. Soon, children will be asking their parents why there’s no Bryxxtyn keychain, and their parents will complain to management, and then they’ll file a lawsuit and somehow win $2 million in a settlement for their pain and suffering. And I for one am looking forward to that day! Out with the old, in with the nü.

All that said, here are this year’s best contenders for worst baby names (so far):

1. It Comes From The Future

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"Trexton Draze" sounds like the male protagonist in a cheesy romance novel. It’s like the sci-fi-WASP name equivalent of Christian Grey. Not what I’d call “a great choice.” I guess you could shorten the first name to “Trex”? Like Chex meets Trix? Maybe Jennifer and Mike are just really into cereal. 

Did I mention that Baby Trex is joining brothers Zayden and Vennex? Of course he is.

2. Semiprecious

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First, I want to come to pop star turned “Queen of Christian Pop” Amy Grant’s defense (again), because we’re talking about a person who sang a killer duet with Peter Cetera in 1987. Spelling her name with a conventional “y” is exactly as it should be, and Sasha should show A.G. a little respect. 

Next, a fun fact: Did you know the word amethyst ”comes from the Ancient Greek  a- (“not”) and μέθυστος methustos (“intoxicated”), a reference to the belief that the stone protected its owner from drunkenness”? Me neither. But something about this meaning strikes me as funny. Maybe because Sasha seems so intent on ensuring that her daughter’s name is “different,” she’s already correcting people on how to spell her nickname (as if it makes any real difference; the two names are identically pronounced). I would think that only a drunk person would bother to interject and slur, “Amie not like Amy as in Amy Grant,” but since she’s pregnant, we can assume this is merely Sasha’s personality.

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Valentine’s Day ‘14: A Mother’s Love

For my second and final Valentine’s Day post this year, I wanted to follow up on everyone’s favorite annual series, ‘A Mother’s Love.’ What I treasure most about this series is that every year, I anticipate that I won’t get enough disturbing submissions to put together a post. And yet every year, I have so many submissions, I wind up posting some over on Mommyish, too. (You can read this year’s edition right here!) Much like a mother’s job is never done, a mother’s love for her son never runneth dry. Hence, my submission well routinely fills up with creepy-ass examples, the best/worst of which I share with you around Valentine’s Day. I am sorry.

But seriously — these posts are all about the love-love some mothers feel for their sons, and not just in the “he’s my little angel” way. More in the “hubba hubba MEOWWW my baby’s gonna make some woman very happy someday! wink-wink ;)” way, and I think it’s worth acknowledging, if only for one day a year. The rest of the year, we can pretend it’s semi-normal for women to be “smother mothers,” e.g. totally possessive and/or “madly in love” with their baby boys, but for today, we will quit pretending and call it what it really is: Even more awkward than this mom’s reaction to her child’s boners. Now, let’s check out this year’s most notable examples.

1. Meet Your Future Boyfriend’s Overprotective Mom, Bitches

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I’m cross-posting this example from my column, because I think it’s important that we all know what we’re working with this year. In previous years, the big players in the heavily-cluttered world of ‘chain messages for Facebook moms’ were often of the love letter variety, written from “mommas” to their “little boys.” But in 2013, moms stopped being polite…and started getting real. They began sharing viral “rules” lists directed at their sons’ future girlfriends, and those lists didn’t gloss over anything. 

The jig is up, young ladies who want to date Jessica’s gentleman in 12-20 years! You can put away your hooker heels, your stripper clothes, and your whore make-up, because moms like Jessica and Sama have got you alllllll figured out. They know you’re only interested in using their sons as ATMs, because duh, they were young once, too! And they’re aware that it’s nearly impossible for women to earn their own income or possess any self-respect (after all, gold-digging is in a woman’s DNA), but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for some trollop from the future to fake her way to a ring on her finger from Jessica’s sweet boy. No, ma’am, that is NOT okay. You mess with the cub, you’re gonna get the mama bear’s claws! 

2. If You Love Him So Much, Why Don’t You Marry Him?

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Here’s what I don’t get: Every mom who’s ever added "Deal with it." to the end of a status update is essentially saying, “I know I’m crazy, and not in an adorable way,” which completely defeats the purpose of using that expression. We’re talking about a phrase that was popularized online by a smug dog wearing sunglasses. Is it possible for me to “deal with” cartoon animals wearing the latest in luxury eyewear? Sure. Do I feel like “dealing with” self-described smother-mothers who are exceedingly obsessed with their sons? Not really.

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Valentine’s Day 2014 

Ladies and gents, it’s that special time of year again. Love is in the air, and I’ve never caught a whiff of something so sweet. So…oddly fragrant. Er, wait a second — is that…bacon?

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