Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter] who’s turning [age here]! They grow up so fast!” But nooooo, not these parents. They want to share a little more detail than that!
I mean, duh, your child is turning six, whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. What everyone really wants to know is, when did the water break, was the birth vaginal, and did you make a placenta-truffle casserole or just eat it raw??? Here are seven parents who heard their friends’ silent cries for more, and boy, did they deliver. (Pun intended. Sorry.)
1. Sanctimommy BIRTH Day
Whoaaa Jeannine’s getting SASSY with the name drama! I can practically hear her emphasizing each syllable in that first line. She may as well have said, “I’m pretty sure his birth certificate says LOGAN, Tiff. You stupid nickname-doling bitch.” Also, what does “I did everything I could to try to pick a name people couldn’t put a nickname on” mean? Did Jeannine hold focus groups to test her favorite names? Did she write down every single nickname possibility for every single preferred name and use process of elimination? It must be tough having done all that research and still wound up with Logie. Do her friends not recognize that she fucking HATES the nickname Logie and will publicly berate them until they stop using it? Giving Logan’s Day a shout out on Jeannine’s wall is a given, so the least Tiffany could’ve done is used some goddamn common sense when addressing him by name.
And speaking of hard work, way to be humble in your birthday update, Jeannine. You go girl. I’m sure as the years go by, you will continue to be amazed by your amazing homebirth in status updates on Facebook.
Yay, Kayds! (short for the ever-popular Kadence?!?) And yay, Natasha, for working in a mention of your water breaking for what may be five years in a row on Facebook. ♥ Not that the day your water broke should be forgotten, but it can easily pass without being mentioned five years after it happened.
3. Love Is a Battlefield
I don’t know who this woman is, but I want to be her friend. I want her to write long updates like this about our Thelma & Louise-style adventures and describe them as “a hell of a time.” I want her to call me “chunky butt” and “boobaby” and convince me to change my name to something like Kahrtridge. Is that too much to ask??
4. Placenta Smoothie < Birthday Cake
Aww, who could forget the day Red sucked down a temporary organ in smoothie form? Who could forget the taste of heaven? I’ll tell you: No one! Two things I know in life: 1. You don’t know love until you have a baby, and 2. You don’t know FLAVOR until you gulp down a viscous, bloody beverage made of liquified human meat.
5. Pushing & Squeezing
How sweet is this message? I only wish I could see the previous messages written on Pink’s other birthdays. :( I guess now I see why people use social media as a digital scrapbook. When Pink is older, she’ll be able to look back on her mother’s messages with a love and respect that she hadn’t previously understood. And yes, I’m talking about her mother’s vagina.
Here’s the thing: If her vagina has fully recovered, why is she still talking about it online????
6. Va Jay Jay
First we read about people hopping on Jannielle’s va jay jay, and now we’re reading about 6-year-old Lucien popping out of Carolyn’s va jay jay. I’m starting to feel like I’m reading Vagina Dr. Seuss. Why am I calling this Birthday Week when it’s so obviously Va Jay Jay Week? And why am *I* the first person to come up with Va Jay Jay Week? Women several generations before me should’ve thought of this. We should be celebrating the 100th Anniversary of Va Jay Jay Week, not commemorating va jay jays as if they only now started to matter! BTW if you offended by Va Jay Jay Week… UP YOUR ASS!
7. VaGiNa Tears
Did anyone else picture this when reading “…came weeping out of my VaGiNa”? Just checking. I’m also kind of picturing a vagina weeping on the steps of the Capitol like the mopey bill in the Schoolhouse Rock song, even though I realize that Jaclyn is referring to her baby (who is now eight years old). Yay for vaginas, indeed. Viva Va Jay Jay Week!
Related: Delivery Reenactment
(submitted by Anonymous)