Yoonique Names: Mid-Year Baby Names Dump Edition

A few weeks ago, this image was volleyed all over the internet and celebrated for its khurious yet unmistakhably yoonique charm:


That’s right, Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh is heading to khindergarten where she’ll learn precisely how diffikhult her name is to spell, whether it’s kharefully written on a sheet of wide-lined paper, inskhribed in a kholoring book, or skhribbled on the backh of a plate displaying makharoni art. Ohhh, how Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks’s elementary school teachers are going to revere her parents. Talk about two intelligent people who know what’s up with the future! They gave BOTH of their daughters names that’ll take them well into the 2030s and beyond, which is pretty smart considering so much of the workforce is soon going to be replaced by robots.

Thinkh about it: How are people going to stand out and appeal to future employers? By being smarter than robots? No. By having individuality. By being different, and what’s the very first thing hiring managers notice about job applicants? Their name. What kind of VP of a global corporation is going to give the rare “human jobs” of the future to candidates named “Steve” or “Linda”?? I’ll tell you who’s going to get those jobs: Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks and her sister Khayleigh-Huntyr. By the time 2035 rolls around, those names are going to be lukhrative as fukh.


With that truism in mind, and with media outlets oft reporting on the inkhreasing khonfusion over modern parents’ obsession with terrible baby names, I figured I’d put together a new batch of name submissions. In fact, in honor of all the hoopla surrounding the Social Security Administration’s annual baby name findings (*note to self: name future daughter ‘Hoopla’), I even wrote an additional column about baby names for Mommyish. That post includes the name “Leviticus Blade,” if you’re interested in checking it out.

So! Let’s get khrackhin’, shall we? From all-around odd name and spelling choices to baby name drama, here are my khurrent favorite submission pickhs (spoiler alert: I’m not sure any are as khreative as Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks, because that’s the best new fake name in the world, although there are some very strong contenders). 

1. Musical Names 


NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BE GONE!!! Kristi’s status update questionnaire is about harmony, so if you happen to be one of the many, many people who think that "musical" names don’t need to be interpreted quite this literally, you can keep your dissonant garbage talk to yourself. Kristi doesn’t need your bad vibes, and little ”Legato” or “Demo” doesn’t need them, either. No one wants this thread to be off-pitch or out of tune, okay??

Other comments that Kristi will not tolerate on this thread:

  • Additional name suggestions for Baby B., such as OphicleideMixtape, or Slur 
  • Suggestions for accent marks on the names. (Yes, at one point Kristi and Jonathan were considering Encorè and Kōda, but they have decided against them for now. Please do not bring this up, as it will cause more tension than you can possibly imagine.)
  • Comments about Kristi and Jay’s decision to have the baby in the orchestra pit at their local performing arts centre. This has already been discussed at length, but for all you people in the back, once again: It will be the best place to serenade Kristi during labor and also the best place to record Baby B.’s first cries upon arrival which will be sampled in an upcoming performance. Please do not be offended if you don’t get invited to sit in the audience during the delivery, as there’s only room for 375 people. You will still have access to the live-stream if you’d like to witness Baby B.’s “solo” entrance into the world.


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Serious Points to Ponder: Are Finances On Facebook TMI?


A few years ago, when the U.S. economy was still pretty terrible, a nice and well-intentioned submitter (and parent) submitted this screenshot, writing, “This is a mommyjacking of the laid-off kind. I know the employment world is cruddy, but this one took the cake for me.” When I went back and looked in my email, I’d replied, “She really didn’t need to say that much.” For a while I wanted to post it, because it seemed topical and qualified as a mommyjacking, but I kept asking myself if Crystal really was sharing too much information. Is it worth shaming someone when she’s just being honest about her situation? And instead of slightly cringing inside, might it even be worth messaging to ask how to help in some way? I wound up not posting the submission because it started to seem wrong and cruel. Crystal even added a smiley to the end of her paragraph-long comment! I couldn’t bring myself to cast judgment.

I’ve never really been shy about the fact that I started this blog after losing my job in the fall of 2008, and I’m certainly no stranger to debt and financial strain, so I wanted to briefly share a video that a friend of mine has been working on for a really long time, and hopefully add to the conversation that the movie is prompting. It’s called "Spent: Looking For Change," and it’s about Americans who don’t have a bank account or access to traditional financial services. People can wind up in that situation for a variety of reasons, including student loan debt, health complications, defaulting on bills due to being out of work, or even just a lack of financial education that results in a few years of bad credit choices. (I say this having experienced a few of these personally.)

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Moms & Dads Parentsplain It All

"Parent-splaining" is the latest craze to sweep the nation  the internet, and if you’re reading this post right now, I’m guessing you’ve come across at least one example online. Broken down to its most basic elements, parent-splaining is defined as “parents explaining parenting to their childless friends.” Whether they’re outlining precisely why they can’t hang out with their friends anymore in excruciating detail (“Like sorry dudes MY KIDS ARE ME NOW”) or providing unsolicited lessons in what it’s like to have the most important job in the world, parent-splainers get an enormous amount of attention when their tips and rants go viral. For every enlightened mom or dad who rises to the occasion to “educate” the childless public on the sacrifices and drudgery of having kids, there are thousands of eager parents at the ready to share the parenting real talk with their expansive social networks.

computer man smiley

Inexplicably, and yet also predictably, more than 300,000 people on Facebook have ‘Liked’ this week’s essential Huffington Post parent-splaining item, 'Once We Become Parents We Don't Want to Hang Out With You Anymore (But Not for the Reasons You Think),' which is in a similar vein as Jason Good’s 2011 post 'To all my friends without children.', and just on the heels of the latest YouTube sensation, 'Friends Without Kids.' But those are just a few generic parenting-splaining examples; there’s also the popular “What Stay-At-Home Moms Do All Day (It’s Way More Than You Think!)” angle, famously sermonized last year by Matt Walsh and more recently by Daddy Fishkins in faddish blog posts that get shared by parents all the time. Basically, if it reads like a fun-loving open letter about parenting that’s tinged with self-satisfaction, a large number of parents will go apeshit for it.

I wrote about this in detail over on Mommyish, where you can also find several examples of parents parent-splainin’ themselves (‘cause non-parents just don’t understand). But before you read that rambling novel, below I’ve “curated” a delightful range of pointers, ponderings, and preoccupations parents have about parenthood that absolutely needed to be communicated via Facebook. These things are important! 

explanation smiley

1. Parents Can’t Do Lunch So Stop Asking


Haha, FREE? For LUNCH? The FUCK is that?! Lololol okay yeah, let’s get “lunch” during my “free time” away from my living, breathing CHILD who is my responsibility at all times, that sounds awesomesauce! I’ll get the chicken sandwich and tomato soup, and you can get whatever it is that stupid, childless bitches eat. What is that, like, lettuce wraps with a side of total ignorance? Yum! HELLO. I’m a MOM NOW.

2. God’s Gifts


Poor friends-of-Terri. They don’t get to hang out with her anymore. :((( They must be feeling such a roller coaster of emotions right now. Both happy for Terri because she has those three incredibly precious girls who are all sweet little angel-gifts from the Lord, but also kind of unhappy because it’s like ever since Terri gave birth, she’s morphed into a preachy Explainer who talks shit on Facebook and doles out passive-aggressive smiley faces like it’s her job. You know what, Terri? You’re the one igniting the drama, so by ALL means keep doing what YOU’RE doing, because it’s actually very amusing and your friends are highly entertained. :)

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