Last week on Mommyish, I resumed my annual tradition of presenting the latest baby naming trends
without comment. I realize that pointing and laughing at parents’ terrible baby name choices is not the most sophisticated form of humor, but like I said last year, since when was this blog sophisticated?? I post pictures of human waste stuck to children’s heads and shuffled beneath their bare feet. I embrace submissions like Brenda and I PREG as though they were my own crazy aunt and delusional cousin. And I hate on mommyjackers just because I can. So what’s stopping me from mocking a few stupid names?!
And yet, every year I wrestle with this post, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advocating for parents to choose conventional names like John or Sarah. I’m not. I’m simply pointing out that kids today are being given some of the most unnecessarily yoonique, unpronounceable, and embarrassingly awful names that have ever existed. It is part of my continued exploration of the dumbfounding world of modern parenting, and I don’t think reflecting on a crowded chalkboard of ill-conceived baby names qualifies as bullying. It’s more like “satire that writes itself because it’s real life.”
This year’s names selection was particularly tough to narrow down, causing me to ponder the shelf life of all those novelty name keychains available at gas stations and rest stops. Soon, children will be asking their parents why there’s no Bryxxtyn keychain, and their parents will complain to management, and then they’ll file a lawsuit and somehow win $2 million in a settlement for their pain and suffering. And I for one am looking forward to that day! Out with the old, in with the nü.
All that said, here are this year’s best contenders for worst baby names (so far):
1. It Comes From The Future
"Trexton Draze" sounds like the male protagonist in a cheesy romance novel. It’s like the sci-fi-WASP name equivalent of Christian Grey. Not what I’d call “a great choice.” I guess you could shorten the first name to “Trex”? Like Chex meets Trix? Maybe Jennifer and Mike are just really into cereal.
Did I mention that Baby Trex is joining brothers Zayden and Vennex? Of course he is.
First, I want to come to pop star turned “Queen of Christian Pop” Amy Grant’s defense (again), because we’re talking about a person who sang a killer duet with Peter Cetera in 1987. Spelling her name with a conventional “y” is exactly as it should be, and Sasha should show A.G. a little respect.
Next, a fun fact: Did you know the word amethyst ”comes from the Ancient Greek ἀ a- (“not”) and μέθυστος methustos (“intoxicated”), a reference to the belief that the stone protected its owner from drunkenness”? Me neither. But something about this meaning strikes me as funny. Maybe because Sasha seems so intent on ensuring that her daughter’s name is “different,” she’s already correcting people on how to spell her nickname (as if it makes any real difference; the two names are identically pronounced). I would think that only a drunk person would bother to interject and slur, “Amie not like Amy as in Amy Grant,” but since she’s pregnant, we can assume this is merely Sasha’s personality.