This week on Mommyish, I posted a follow-up to an old column about moms who share too many details about their bodies on social media. I’ve got nothin’ but love for my sisters, but as I said on Mommyish, I don’t think social media should be a lady’s downfall. If you wouldn’t tell your next door neighbor about the state of your vagina, why would you tell all of Facebook? This subject perplexes me because I want to stand up for women being honest and forthright about their bodies — but not like this. Not in ways that would horrify my grandmother. Think, ladies, think! Do you want your friends to associate you with Gold Star-worthy updates or with updates about post-baby queefs? If your answer is the latter, then you’ll find yourself in good company in the rest of this post.
1. One-Of-A-Kind
Unfortunately I don’t know what’s happened to Rhea since she wrote this update in 2012. She may be gassy from eating a black bean burrito, or she may be preparing to swaddle a little baby burrito. Either way, she’s got gas, because that’s just the kind of gal she is. Thanks for letting us know, Rhea. You’re not most people.
2. Gramps
A UTI is pretty commonplace, so some of you may think I’m being harsh by posting this. But you people are wrong. The only redeeming thing about Jennifer’s status update is ‘stomach gramps.’ That’s when your stomach feels like a grumpy old man who gives unsolicited advice. Other than that, Jennifer’s update could’ve just been shared with a friend over the phone while taking a relaxing bath and drinking a large glass of cranberry juice.
3. O.o
Don’t you hate it when it feels like your vagina is going to fall off? Ugh, so annoying. It’s like carrying a purse that’s constantly slipping off your shoulder, or wearing backless shoes that are always sliding off your feet. Except, of course, in this case it’s your vagina. What can I say? Some vaginas are leaders, while other vaginas are followers. Would your vagina jump off a bridge if all her friends did, too? Maybe if her ligaments felt old and floppy she would.
4. Tatas & Tities
Well damn, Jandi went and had herself an ‘I PREG!!!’ moment. Thankfully in this case, it turns out she’s not pregnant, which is good considering getting pregnant again would kill her. For now, she’s just got some lactating tatas and a missing period. Not too bad compared to certain death.
5. That Smell
Oh good god. Not since the rectal prolapse of 2011 have we gotten to know such intimate details about a person’s bowels. I don’t even think I know this much about my own bowels, but I guess that’s partly because I’ve never experienced what Meghan has described. And while I sympathize with her frustrations, I’m also like WHOA GIRL, you need to get yourself a bowels diary, because this shit is crazy. “Suction all of the bowel and discharge out”?? My mama didn’t raise me to talk about suctioning my asshole on the internet. And the worst thing about constipation updates is the way people feel obligated to update after they expel crap from their butt, as if Meghan was settling a bet her friends made on when the ice cream would make its way through her rectum. “Ten bucks says it’ll take her two days!” “Psshh, a dairy product like that? I give it an hour!” “Depends on when she last took her MiraLax!”
6. Mommyjacking
Haha! April sure knows how to get the respect she deserves from her kids. Seems the old C-section trick works on just about any occasion. Kids don’t want to clean their rooms? Threaten to flash them. Not eating all their vegetables? Tell them they’ll go to bed starving after catching an eyeful of mommy’s scar tissue. Lmao. Sometimes being a mom is just way too fun. ;)
For more corporal revelations you didn’t ever want to know about, check out my column on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)
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