This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily sincere sentiments. As much as I diss absurd parenting trends the rest of the year, I get a lot of funny submissions written by or about moms. I even get nice emails about the blog from my own mom sometimes, in-between suggestions about not using profanity. So to give props, I put together this round-up and another one on Mommyish. Here are some Gold Star moms whose comments and updates help make Facebook worth reading:

1. Dog Clothes = Baby Clothes

I like the way Katharine doesn’t even add a “Ha!” which would secretly mean, “Return it.” She’s just like, “Yeah, sure, drop it in the mailbox or join me for a happy hour cocktail and we’ll dress up my kid in your dog dress and watch her chase a Frisbie in the front yard.” 

2. Momibalism

This is one of those casual thoughts that provides real insight into a person’s psyche. You don’t only discover that Lindsay equates eating placenta with a sadistic cannibal feeding a victim his own brains; you can also glean that even if Lindsay did eat her own placenta, she wouldn’t go bragging about it on Facebook with a picture of an empty glass bowl and a fork. That’s some hippie twisted serial killer shit.

3. Food Sharing

We have ourselves another Oprah Gold Star thread. Every single person in this thread has earned a virtual reward for being awesome. Screw those ravenous children who already snack all the livelong day. They can’t eat your treats if you don’t share them! These women are like the exact opposite of Candy Apple Mom, who wound up with no Gold Star and no candy apple. Sucks for her.

4. Cock Bock’s

I will never tire of mocking children’s spelling mishaps and confused expressions. Something tells me Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong could whip up some delicious Porny Gravy using Mommy’s Cock Bock’s. ZING.

5. Servitude

Is it just me or does “my very own slaves” sound like the adult version of “My Little Pony” or “Kid Sister”/”My Buddy” dolls? I guess I never thought of children like that before, but they’re basically just really expensive, yet human (so they can cook and clean), life-sized adult versions of my ratty old Kid Sister doll. Genius! This kid looks like he’s really going for it over the stove. Slaving away, as it were. Not that I think actual slavery is funny. It’s not. Unless it involves forcing your own children to do household chores in exchange for food and shelter. Then it’s fine! Heidi, I salute you. You teach those damn kids how to work for their dinner! 

Don’t forget to check out my column about more Gold Star Moms over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies doo do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.

Of course, a part of me understands the appeal of potty humor, but can’t we all agree that children’s asses and immune systems have no bearing on holidays or birthdays? Just because your kid took a dump in her pants and it happens to be Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she “made you a present.” That’s gross. Stop ruining perfectly good Mother’s Day lunches with “funny” updates about poop and barf. The jokes have all been made before, and they weren’t very funny the first time around.

1. Laundry

Well damn, Janet, way to call out and scold your toddler daughter on Facebook for shitting herself in the car. I’m sure she didn’t mean to poop all over her carseat so much as it just kind of happened. And considering it didn’t even happen on Mother’s Day, Casey’s accident truly has nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. I think they call that “projecting.”

2. Extra Special Gifts

If you’re going to bring up your child’s diarrhea in a status update, consider using Meghan’s approach. It’s disgusting and unwarranted newsfeed nastiness, but at least she’s cheerful about it.

3. Woe Is Mom

The opener “Vomitting [sic] toddlers day 2” tells me that Fawn already posted about her vomiting toddlers on day 1, so I’m guessing her friends got a double dose of vomit updates this weekend, too. Lucky them! Thankfully for Fawn, both Julie and Sarah can relate. It’s always helpful when your friends understand what you’re going through, unless that understanding results in an even more disgusting example.

4. Being A Mom

Emily’s update is reasonable enough, minus the fact that ‘Hudson, Everett, and Sawyer’ sounds like a folk band (or maybe just a folksy legal firm) — but Jannell’s comment is what takes this over the edge. I can’t read it and not picture this. But aside from that, it’s important to remember that while Mother’s Day is a celebration of all things motherhood, certain details can be ignored online. Just because your kid’s poo smearing session coincided with Mother’s Day doesn’t mean it needs to be spelled out or remembered from year to year. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t sell cards that say “Happy Mother’s Day! Treasure the feces.”

(submitted by Anonymous)

At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking “supposably” is a valid word. Unfortunately, though, the moms in the following two submissions are in that other 1%. They didn’t check themselves before they wrecked themselves, and now their friends are aware of their ridiculous birthday blunders. Bless their hearts. 

I wonder what it’s like to have your mom sing “Happy Birthday” to you when you wake up and adorn you with a shirt that says “I am 3,” only to have the title temporarily stripped due to human error. Sounds kinda sucky. But hey, at least Sasha is only turning three. He probably just saw a butterfly and forgot about it all within a matter of seconds. It’s when you get a little older that things tend to resonate more. After all, you can practically set a computer to program your whole life these days. In the Age Of Reminders, there’s no excuse for “Sixteen Candles-esque” scenarios or mistakes.

“To” early, is it, Kellie? Methinks the lady doth Facebook too much. It’s one thing to accidentally wish your child a happy birthday and cite the wrong age, but to then write “to” instead of “too”? No. That is where I and many others before me draw the line. You have to take a stand for something in this life, and I’m taking one on “to” and “too.” I feel we may have lost the “your/you’re” fight, and “they’re/their/there” was a pipe dream, but “to/too” still has a chance to be understood by all. I hope after Kellie adds another candle to Bryceten’s (?!) birthday cake, she takes a few minutes out to read his English textbook. Kids tend to learn these grammar lessons right around his age group. His real age group, that is. ZING. Better luck next year!

(submitted by Anonymous)