May 2013
11 posts
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Final Birthday Week Post: WTF?
Last week was Birthday Week, which was *pretty* good, but in all honesty I had like 14 more posts I wanted to run and couldn’t due to time constraints. I will possibly run a few of those posts in the coming weeks/months, but until then, I wanted to formally close out the celebration with a final WTF post featuring three of my favorite random birthday submissions. Each example holds a special...
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Gold Star Moms Round-Up!
This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily...
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Mother's Day "Gifts"
Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies doo do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.
Of course, a part...
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Birthday Week: Accidents Happen
At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking...
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Birthday Week 2013: Misty Fluid-Covered...
Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter]...
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Birthday Week: Mama Drama Edition
There are two types of people in this world: those who thrive on drama, and those who enjoy watching drama play out like the plane crash scene in “Con Air.” You can say you don’t like drama, but what you mean is, “I don’t like being involved in drama. I don’t want to get arrested.” It doesn’t mean you don’t get a thrill out of watching other...
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Birthday Week: Party Hat Meltdown
As you guys know, this week is birthday-themed, and that means I’m posting about ANY AND ALL things birthday-related. For instance, did you know that it’s possible to freak out over something as minor as a party hat? I mean, sure, if the party was for a wizard or something I could understand the hat being the pièce de résistance, but what about for a one-year-old?
Does anyone remember...
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Birthday Week '13: Birthday Parties
One of the most important aspects of any birthday — but especially a child’s birthday — is the party. No matter how old a kid is turning, a party is an opportunity for parents (and everyone they know) to shower the kid with love and affection gifts for being born.
Of course, there are rules that accompany such events. As we’ve learned in the past, it’s important to...
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Birthday Week '13: May The Fourth Be With You...
Not good enough, Joseph. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Brandon’s friends should know there’s not enough room on Facebook for both Lia’s birthday and the Star Wars franchise to get celebrated on the same day. Today is May 4th, the day little Lia was born, and everyone had better put down their light sabers, take off their childish Darth Vader masks, and take a few moments out to pay...
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Birthday Week 2013: BirthdayJacking Edition
This week on Mommyish, I paid tribute to Birthday Week with a column about birthdayjacking. Last year, I had so many birthdayjacking submissions that I had to split them into two posts, and this year proved no different. Parents can’t help themselves on Facebook when their child’s birthday is involved. Nothing beats the feeling of announcing your baby’s birthday to the...
Tease & Reveal: 2nd Annual Birthday Week Edition
As mentioned a couple of days ago, we’re entering Birthday Week, which is a whole week dedicated to the ridiculous birthday-related submissions I receive throughout the year. Last year’s inaugural celebration coincided with my 30th birthday, but this year, since I turned 31 and am getting decrepit, I’m starting the party a little late. Kinda setting a precedent for my reaction...
April 2013
14 posts
1 tag
Links Round-Up + Birthday Week!
Hello, there! Man, has it been depressing around here lately, amirite? The crying kids post, and then the Boston post, and then all the days on either side of those posts (minus the radio interview about period parties)? Yikes. Let’s try to put that time behind us and forge ahead into a new frontier week. But before I get into what the rest of this week will entail (BIRTHDAY WEEK!), here...
Talkin' Shop With Mike & Judy!
A couple of weeks ago, I crashed my favorite podcast again at Heritage Radio Network behind Roberta’s in Bushwick. Like the last time I appeared on The Mike & Judy Show, I dragged my boyfriend Brian with me to chime in whenever the spirit called him, which was probably not a very smart idea. And like the other shows we’ve recorded, the discussion was all over the place. Listen in...
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Current Events: How (Not) To Talk About The Boston...
Last week, like most people, I was glued to my laptop and TV as reports came in about what had happened in Boston. And, like most people, I watched as news organizations clamored to report information, even if it was false information, and noticed how quickly some people jumped at the chance to put their voices “out there” in response to the tragedy.
Back in the day, newspapers and...
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Questionable Parenting: Crying It Out On Facebook
This week on Mommyish, I wrote about when it’s not cool to post pictures of your crying kids online. After the internet warmly embraced Reasons My Son Is Crying last week, I started going through my “Crying Kids” folder to compare those submissions with the concept of the blog. What is it about Reasons My Son Is Crying that seems so funny and relatable, while other pictures of...
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Links Round-Up: Press Edition + Sanctimommy Fever
So, the last time this site got a brief wave of press was back in October, and a lot of the coverage focused on my “lack” of children, which sucked. Knowing that the book response could have been more of the same, I decided to take some proactive measures so as to not go crazy like the last time (which prompted posts like this and this). Those things included practicing deep breathing,...
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Mom's Gold Star: Reading Round-Up!
Since I’ve been focusing so much time on the “STFU, Parents” book lately, I’ve had reading on the brain. It got me thinking about the great Mom’s Gold Star submissions that I’ve received about reading and writing, and how I don’t really do enough to promote those things on the blog. I spend plenty of time talking about poor spelling and making fun of...
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Mama Drama: Sneak Attack Edition
You guys know me — I love a good sneak attack. Whether it’s an unexpected warning on a toddler’s birthday party invitation, or a particularly vitriolic response to some friendly “suggestions and advise,” it’s always nice to see mama bears taking matters into their own paws on Facebook.
Clearly in this case, there’s some back beef* between Lisa and...
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Links Round-Up
I haven’t posted a Links Round-Up for a couple of weeks, but I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to post this awesome picture. Many times, I’ve heard from people who say that when they “liked” the STFU, Parents Facebook page they were immediately attacked by rabid mama bears, so this image perfectly sums up that response. I might need it to print a poster version...
The Building Blocks Of Overshare
This week on Mommyish, I wrote about 8 new examples from essential categories that inspired the book. Of course, I could name about 900 other categories (and sub-categories) that comprise the world of overshare, as new trends are taking shape and emerging every day that inspire new ideas. For instance, “Wow, there are a LOT parents who take rash close-ups,” is something I recently had the pleasure...
STFU, Parents + GMA
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I know that some readers don’t like press clips, but my mama raised me to believe that if I ever made it on Good Morning America, I should at least post footage on my blog. If you don’t want to watch it, that’s totally fine! New blog posts are coming soon. But if you do want to watch it, here it is. Please enjoy whatever...
The STFU, Parents Book Is Here + FREE Tattoos &...
Well, it finally happened. I know I’ve mentioned it several times (or what may feel like 1000 times), but I wrote a book about parent overshare, and TODAY is the day it came out! After many months of laboring, I’ve given birth to the most darling little book you ever did see. Yes, I had a lotus birth, so right now it’s just me, my book baby, and my book baby’s nutrient-rich...
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5 Ways To Talk To A Mommyjacker
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column for Mommyish about polite ways to get your friends off your back about having a baby. This is a subject I’m often emailed about, and one popular question is, “Do you ever get submissions where someone tells off a mommyjacker?” I kind of sense that people ask with a gleam in their eye, and they want me to write back, “You bet your...
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Easter 2013 - Spoiled Edition
There’s been a lot of recent talk about how much stuff kids receive on holidays, and in my experience running this site, that “crap tally” continues to rise. Interestingly, a lot of the parents whose children are spoiled (either by them or their families) say the reason their kids are spoiled is because they were spoiled as kids, too, and their kids deserve the same special...
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Easter 2013 - Mom's Gold Star
Whoa, Mary, your kid is a hero. Obviously adults already know that Zombie Jesus has a “thing” against brains that have been compromised by the pleasure center after the ritualistic eating of chocolate bunnies on Easter, but now little kids do, too! Anyone who can’t handle the truth deserves to sit in the corner and think about what a crybaby s/he is, including the principal,...
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Easter 2013 - Tease & Reveal
One hint that a picture of your kid might not be Facebook-worthy (or, if you’re Jennifer, is totally perfect for Facebook) is if the picture looks Photoshopped. But when I say “Photoshopped,” I don’t mean the types of pictures that inspire comments like, “Holy crap! Is your kid petting a saltwater crocodile?!” or, “For a second I thought your son had...
March 2013
14 posts
1 tag
Easter 2013 - Round-Up!
If there’s one thing readers of this blog can rely on, it’s that I’ll put up holiday posts. And there’s a reason for that! Ever since Facebook became a club that’s literally been joined by “everyone and your mother,” it’s also become a “hot spot” on or around the holidays. Whether you’re checking up on what your friends did to...
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Happy Easter!
In the spirit of Easter, and as a nod to the painted egg bellies of yesteryear, I now present to you the Egg Belly of 2K13. Behold her roundness and her extreme close-up-ness. Ask yourself, as I did, why anyone would post this particular image on Facebook when a much cuter one could have been taken instead? For instance, why didn’t this woman hand-weave an oversized Easter...
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Links Round-Up
It’s time for another weekly installment of the best and worst links from around the web! But first, let’s study the above Pregnant Paper Dolls (+ Bonus Baby, the kind of bonus every Pregnant Paper Doll wants!). This image was sent in by a perplexed reader who was out shopping and paused to reflect on this uniquely insane crafting opportunity.
Which Pregnant Paper Doll would you...
The STFU, Parents Book Shower
Come one, come all! I’m having a book baby! On Wednesday, April 3rd, the day after the STFU, Parents book comes out, I’ll be setting up a live webcam as I simulate giving birth to a book at Housing Works in SoHo, NYC! Everyone will wear hospital gowns and listen to Enya as I prepare to take on the most important role of my life: Book Mom.
No…wait. I will not be doing that. But...
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Tease & Reveal: St. Patrick's Day
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone! This post is AWFUL.
Typically on St. Patrick’s Day, I post a variety of themed holiday posts and pictures of babies drinking beer, but not this year. This year, I’m just dumping a bucket of green slime on your heads a la ‘You Can’t Do That On Television.’ And oh yes, it is the most interesting shade of green!
Here’s...
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Links Round-Up!
This week’s round-up comes courtesy of a suburban HOA that celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by playfully decorating toilets. Have leprechauns visited your toilets today, or were you too busy watching cricket bball to notice? You never know when a leprechaun is going to act the maggot, that’s for sure! Those funny little guys are like the Irish Elf on the Shelf, amirite?!
On with...
Baby Name Drama For Your Mama
This week on Mommyish, I zeroed in on Baby Name Drama, which is kind of like if a yoonique baby name submission had a lovechild with a mama drama submission. It’s the provocation of the drama, plus the fun of stupid names! And it’s not hard to see how we’ve arrived at this genre. Parents carefully choose their children’s names with yooniqueness in mind, and they get charged...
Blog Birthday: STFU, Parents Turns 4 + The STFU,...
It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating this little blog baby turning three, and now look what’s happened: Today she’s FOUR. That’s FORTY-EIGHT MONTHS, and LOTS OF MATH (1,461) DAYS OLD! If she was a human baby she could draw, use the potty, and get trapped beneath a blanket under my butt to reenact her birth, and I don’t take that for granted for one second....
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Daylight Saving Time: Meta Edition
As I mentioned the last time we all irrationally “advanced” our clocks, it has become as boring for me to recap the predictable DST/Standard Time outcries of tired parents as it is for tired parents to deal with their wailing and/or wide-awake children. After about the 30th submission in which parents denounced the absolute idiocy and sheer TYRANNY of practicing DST in modern day...
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The Return of Links Round-Up!
After taking an extended hiatus for a brisk two and a half years, I’m finally bringing back the Links Round-Up! For those of you who are new to the round-up, it’s where I post the best and the worst of the week’s news, pop culture, and random viral links.
If you’re a reader of STFUP on Facebook or Twitter, it’s possible you’ll have seen some of these links...
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Parents Behaving Badly: How (Not) To Act In Public...
This week on Mommyish, I wrote about one of my all-time favorite subjects: Parents who behave badly in public and then write about it on Facebook. It takes a special kind of person to not only act like a douche rocket in a restaurant, retail store, or waiting room with her child, but to also take the time to write about it on social media. That extra step is what separates the moms from the...
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STFUP Fables: The Apple That Turned Into a Tattoo
Ah, yes, the old story of the apple that turned into a tattoo. It’s as old as apples and tattoos themselves! You see, a long time ago, in a land far, far away called Louisiana, there was a woman named Mindy. And Mindy’s adorable little girl took a few bites from an apple, just as cute as they could be. Mindy glanced over at the apple’s tiny holes and thought, “Those bite...
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Sanctimommy Round-Up!
Inspired by fond memories of this post, I dedicated last week’s Mommyish column to the ever-obnoxious yet ever-amusing sanctimommy. Well, to all the sanctimommies out there keepin’ it real and acting like the world owes them something (or like they’re the best parents that ever stepped foot inside a grocery store). In fact, for all the vitriol people feel toward sanctimommies,...
February 2013
8 posts
Sex, Love, and TMI
Last week on Mommyish, I wrote about parents who whisper sweet nothings about their personal lives for all of their Facebook friends to read. It’s a subject that I’ve posted about several times before, but the submissions never cease to make me cringe and/or stock up on contraception. And since I didn’t run a Sex Edition for Valentine’s Day this year, I thought I’d...
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Valentine's Day '13: Tease & Reveal
Well. I’m officially wrapping up this year’s Valentine’s Day coverage, a modest five days after the actual holiday, and I have no words to prepare you for what lies behind the jump in this post. Nothing I could say or do would properly steel you. But I will say that it’s terrible — almost as terrible as Cranberry Sauce, minus the bloody slug — AND if you look...
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Valentine's Day '13: Mom's Gold Star
Jamie gets a Gold Star for not taking her flowers, her unborn baby, or her husband’s Valentine’s Day sentiment too seriously. That’s the kind of pregnant rose bouquet recipient I’m talkin’ about!
Most of the time, presents, cards, or Facebook/Twitter accounts that are sent/written by an unborn baby annoy the crap out of me, but Baby G appears to be sweet, direct,...
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Valentine's Day 2013: Love Edition
This year, Valentine’s Day felt a lot more like Valentine’s Week, with people obsessing over love in its various forms all over the internet and in retail. I actually stood in a drugstore and debated with myself for a solid 30 seconds before opting to push the button on one of those landfill-destined mechanical flower cards. It’s like no matter how much people seem to disparage...
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Valentine's Day '13: A Mother's Love, Volume II
This week on Mommyish, I followed up on a hawt story I wrote about last year in a post called “A Mother’s Love.” This very special kind of love involves a woman, her son, and Facebook. The submissions range from “weird” to “skinny dipping,” and reading them makes me squint and unconsciously shake my head “no, no, no” like my brain is rejecting...
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Valentine’s Day 2013
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! And YUMMM, check out what Cupid shot with his arrow! A meaty, heart-shaped placenta, perfect for cooking up with some chanterelles to share with your partner on this day of love.
As regular readers know, the holidays on STFUP are a special time with lots of special submissions, and Valentine’s Day is no exception. In...
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Hits From The Total Dumbasses File
Last week on Mommyish, I shed some light on a few of the finer examples of idiocy that were lurking in my submissions folder, and now I’m posting the complementary post in honor of Darwin Day yesterday. It takes a special kind of submission to make it to my “Total Dumbasses” file, and while I can’t put my finger on exactly what the qualifiers are, the submissions do all...
Yoonique Baby Names
Every year, I naively expect the level of excitement for ridiculous baby names to decline. But here we are, just one month into 2013, and there’s already been a lot of discussion about yoonique names both around the internet and here in the comments section. So I figured, why should I deny myself and all of you the opportunity to once again mock a bunch of terrible names just because...
January 2013
4 posts
Momplishments
A couple of weeks ago, I posted a Mommyish column (that I never linked to here, because I suck) about how moms never get a break. As in, NEVAR. NEVHER. The word is going to become like the name Nevaeh, because it’s so overused it needs to be spelled backwards for emphasis. MOMS REVEN GET A BREAK.
In all seriousness, this is probably a true statement. But it’s not any truer a statement...
Questionable Parenting: Nakedness Edition
Hello there! Before we dive into today’s sensible, good-timey post about pictures of naked kids on Facebook, I wanted to acknowledge that the past several days have been duds. As it turns out, my immune system has deeply betrayed me this winter (like lots of other people’s have), and I’ve also had some family stuff to deal with. On a positive note, I was happy to report this bit...
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New Year's Eve Round-Up!
Hello, and welcome to 2013 on STFUP! After receiving many New Year’s Eve submissions, it’s finally time to unleash ye olde round-up along with this week’s column on Mommyish, aptly titled ‘5 Ways Parents Rang In The New Year On Facebook.’ Regular readers are aware that every year, parents post a series of noise complaint updates in response to their neighbors, who may or may not be illegally...
