A few weeks ago, this image was volleyed all over the internet and celebrated for its khurious yet unmistakhably yoonique charm:
That’s right, Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh is heading to khindergarten where she’ll learn precisely how diffikhult her name is to spell, whether it’s kharefully written on a sheet of wide-lined paper, inskhribed in a kholoring book, or skhribbled on the backh of a plate displaying makharoni art. Ohhh, how Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks’s elementary school teachers are going to revere her parents. Talk about two intelligent people who know what’s up with the future! They gave BOTH of their daughters names that’ll take them well into the 2030s and beyond, which is pretty smart considering so much of the workforce is soon going to be replaced by robots.
Thinkh about it: How are people going to stand out and appeal to future employers? By being smarter than robots? No. By having individuality. By being different, and what’s the very first thing hiring managers notice about job applicants? Their name. What kind of VP of a global corporation is going to give the rare “human jobs” of the future to candidates named “Steve” or “Linda”?? I’ll tell you who’s going to get those jobs: Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks and her sister Khayleigh-Huntyr. By the time 2035 rolls around, those names are going to be lukhrative as fukh.
With that truism in mind, and with media outlets oft reporting on the inkhreasing khonfusion over modern parents’ obsession with terrible baby names, I figured I’d put together a new batch of name submissions. In fact, in honor of all the hoopla surrounding the Social Security Administration’s annual baby name findings (*note to self: name future daughter ‘Hoopla’), I even wrote an additional column about baby names for Mommyish. That post includes the name “Leviticus Blade,” if you’re interested in checking it out.
So! Let’s get khrackhin’, shall we? From all-around odd name and spelling choices to baby name drama, here are my khurrent favorite submission pickhs (spoiler alert: I’m not sure any are as khreative as Kharringtyn-McKhynleigh Khaybryn Sparks, because that’s the best new fake name in the world, although there are some very strong contenders).
1. Musical Names
NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BE GONE!!! Kristi’s status update questionnaire is about harmony, so if you happen to be one of the many, many people who think that "musical" names don’t need to be interpreted quite this literally, you can keep your dissonant garbage talk to yourself. Kristi doesn’t need your bad vibes, and little ”Legato” or “Demo” doesn’t need them, either. No one wants this thread to be off-pitch or out of tune, okay??
Other comments that Kristi will not tolerate on this thread:
- Additional name suggestions for Baby B., such as Ophicleide, Mixtape, or Slur
- Suggestions for accent marks on the names. (Yes, at one point Kristi and Jonathan were considering Encorè and Kōda, but they have decided against them for now. Please do not bring this up, as it will cause more tension than you can possibly imagine.)
- Comments about Kristi and Jay’s decision to have the baby in the orchestra pit at their local performing arts centre. This has already been discussed at length, but for all you people in the back, once again: It will be the best place to serenade Kristi during labor and also the best place to record Baby B.’s first cries upon arrival which will be sampled in an upcoming performance. Please do not be offended if you don’t get invited to sit in the audience during the delivery, as there’s only room for 375 people. You will still have access to the live-stream if you’d like to witness Baby B.’s “solo” entrance into the world.