STFU, Parents

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and in honor of the occasion I dedicated my Mommyish column to Gold Star Dads the same way I dedicated my Mother’s Day column (and blog post) to Gold Star-winning Moms. I like this tradition of giving props, because Gold Star submissions are fun to read and intrinsically good-natured. The post I’m putting up after this one is pretty much the opposite of those things, so enjoy the laughs while you can. Here are the top picks for this year’s Dad’s Gold Star Father’s Day (well, post-Father’s Day) Round-Up:

1. DIY Card

Once again, I find an excuse to cite Swingy Dong and his best mate Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong. I will never tire of this. (Sorry.) Zachary’s card is legendary and is exactly why handmade cards are 1000% better than Hallmark cards. Hallmark doesn’t make cards about the “sword bond” between fathers and sons, probably for legal reasons, which leaves a major gap in the marketplace. Thankfully, Zachary took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and found a way to convey to his dad how much he really cares. I hope this year’s card is as frame-worthy as this one. The kid’s got a great future ahead of him, either as a controversial cartoonist or as a pornographic knight. 

2. Discount Surprise

This submission actually made me L out L. Brian is the kind of dad who takes an unwanted iPhone purchase made by a toddler and turns it into a funny joke that inspires other funny jokes. Why can’t everyone on Facebook be like this? I don’t know what Brian looks like, but I’m guessing “The Rachel” (with highlights!) is going to look fabulous on him. (FYI the Wiki page for “The Rachel” is very informative.)

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Ahh, another Sunday, another Parent Appreciation Holiday. This time around it’s Father’s Day, which gets celebrated on social media with an entirely different range of reactions than on Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day, you’re a complete jerk if you don’t thank all the mamas (and all the mama’s mamas) for being selfless heroes, but on Father’s Day, anything goes! Newsfeeds become a smattering of “Love you!”s and “Fuck you!”s, and it’s perfectly acceptable to voice whichever “side” you’re on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are shitty dads out there. If there’s one thing daytime television has taught me, it’s that there are some dirty dog daddies in this world who would rather risk going to prison than pay child support or emotionally invest in their children. That said, it’s always a bit of a bummer when Father’s Day rolls around and social media turns into an “I hate my child’s father”-fest. And yet conversely, it’s equally annoying when people pile praise on their kid’s dad on Facebook, because it’s like, “Um, aren’t you guys sitting across the kitchen table from each other?” All in all, Father’s Day on social media is anything but one-note — if a little predictable. Let’s check out some dad-driven examples:

1. Cold Stone Love ♥

These two have a marriage filled with love, support, and sundaes. The good stuff. Scott’s comment may go down in history as my favorite sincere statement ever written on Facebook. It also made me kinda hungry.

2. The Thick Of It

If you post that something or someone is “covered in POOP!” (all caps), you shouldn’t follow it up with the expression “in the thick of it.” Also, I’m not really seeing what’s been so hectic about F.’s day? It’s just because she spilled tea all on her new carpet? Who buys brand new light-colored carpet with a young child at home who’s capable of exploding diarrhea everywhere and then gets concerned with a tea stain? 

3. Acknowledgement Peeves

SNOT! Everyone knows kids are a part of our community and are not “half-people,” and yet they still get treated like second class citizens by restaurant servers. It’s outrageous! How many times do parents have to shout from the rafters Facebook, “Acknowledge our children or BE SHAMED!” before the general public wises up? And then for a server to not say “Happy Father’s Day” like some kind of MORON on top of ignoring a precious baby…well, that’s just unacceptable. There are certain things in a server’s job description that are non-negotiable — keeping water glasses full, bringing out food when it’s hot, smiling/waving/blowing kisses at adorable children — and it’s really sad that it’s the parents, not the restaurant managers, who have to point this stuff out.

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Last week on Mommyish, I posted a column about non-sequiturjacking, which is a subject I’ve previously dedicated a round-up to on the blog. As mentioned, I can’t get enough of non-sequiturjackings because they make NO sense whatsoever or so little sense that it’s nearly impossible to resist their comedic charms — depending on your definition of “charms,” of course. If a submission comes my way and doesn’t include a picture of poop stuck to a child’s head, smeared on a child’s face, or sitting on a neon green stool, that automatically gives it appeal. But when a submission genuinely makes me laugh or say “What the ever-loving fuck?” out loud, then I can’t help but acknowledge its pizzazz. Especially when the non-sequiturjackers are so clueless or motivated by self-interest that they sound like squawking chickens. Here are some of my favorite recent examples of this most delightful form of mommyjacking:

1. Good Neighbors

Ummmm, Nicole? If you’re yelling at your kids to the point of neighbors calling the police, that probably means you have good neighbors. And if they don’t put a password on their wifi, that means that they’re exceptional neighbors, not that that has anything to do with your strange comment.

2. Vote Once a Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if Landen was really too cute to lose, he would win. Plus, everybody knows that the Gerber Generation Photo Search is THE baby contest of all baby contests, putting Landen’s chances at around 1 in 300,000. So, good luck I guess? I’m assuming Autumn didn’t drum up much support by hijacking Julie’s status update about spay and neutering animals. Not everyone can talk passionately about spay and neutering animals and still show an appreciation for vanity like Bob Barker.

3. Patience Cervix Is Thinning

Damn, Shelby, you’ve still got 13 days left and you’re already mommyjacking about your labor? Yeesh. Sorry girl, but no one cares about your thinning cervix right now. Danielle is sending out an SOS because she’s so busy, and you can’t even be bothered to spell “dilated” correctly? I hope by Day 13 you’ve at least figured that one out. It would also be helpful if you stopped talking about your thinning cervix on Facebook, but, you know…baby steps.

4. Big Talk

I’m sorry, what? Is K. related to Ann? And can a “heart attract” now officially be defined as what happens when you come home from a run and find a kid stabbing a snake with a knife? As in, “I’d love to join you for dinner, but unfortunately I’m still recovering from my earlier heart attract and scraping snake guts off my patio.”

5. Robojacker

I love everything about this submission, from “pac sun” (aka the most popular Stüssy mall retailer in the ’90s), to “firts job,” to Cory’s comment that could *technically* be in response to both Steph and Ana and perhaps was intended to be? Is there a reason Ana sounds like a bot? Is she human? I feel like this thread is one comment away from being about energy supplements. And that is definitely weird. 

Related: Classic Non-SequiturJackings

To read more random non-sequiturjackings, including an example about “a bowl of mac and cheese” and “a damn soup ladle,” head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of years ago, I posted a picture of a couple standing in front of a “superimposed” sonogram of their baby, and I envisioned a whole new world of sonogram possibilities. “Sonogramabilities”? No. That doesn’t work. Anyway, my lesson in The Future continued as fetuses showed up in the funniest of places, like maternity pictures, creepy baby shower cakes, and on mountainsides.

Some people are so taken with their ultrasound photos, they blow them up really big to hang over their mantles as artwork. I’m fascinated by these trends, if only because I like weird stuff, and I think having an obsession with sonograms makes about as much sense as having a “first trimester photo shoot” or throwing yourself multiple baby showers. The self-congratulatory celebrations can only go so far, right? I mean yes, babies are miracles (that are created every second of every day), but sometimes parents become “womb worshippers” who don’t know when to stop. Take, for instance, this picture of Katie’s baby’s room so far:

I don’t mean to trash someone’s idea of good art as I’m no real authority, but this is a pretty literal “expression” for a baby’s room. While most nursery decor tends to include whimsical mobiles or cute little hand-drawn pictures of friendly animals, Katie’s baby’s room has a nod to fetus development on flat black mattes. Mmmkay. If only we could see what the comments say. I’m guessing they probably read like this, because people are liars:

“Beautiful! Those black frames really set them off.”

“What a wonderful gift that your child will cherish forever. Keepsake treasures!”

“Those frames fill the wall nicely.”

“Holy moly, these are awesome. Do you make commissioned pieces, too, or can you pass along the name of the artist?”

“Best. Nursery. Ever.”

If you’re going to do something wacky to commemorate your soon-to-be-child’s existence, do it right. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Your friends will appreciate it, especially if they don’t have to avoid staring at magic eye-looking fetus pictures every time they come to your house. An approach like this works well:

This is super weird — so weird that I think I might love it. When people intentionally try to creep out their friends in their online baby announcement, I’m sold. 

Thanks for the inspiration, Ian. This is the first time a totally bizarre Photoshopped fetus has made me smile, then feel scared, and then smile again. You and Julie are all right in my book — unless of course you get these pictures printed large scale and hang them over the baby’s crib. That would be a little much. 

Related: Dad’s Gold Star - Sonogram Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

I’m not gonna lie to you fine people. Today’s post is harrowing. It makes ‘Poop In His Hair’ look like an amusement park game. It makes Poop Skating look like an acceptable leisure activity. If Tease & Reveal: Snake Edition is a trip to the zoo, today’s post is a trip to the least sanitary cafeteria one could ever imagine. Not that you’ve ever imagined something like this. No, you haven’t, unless you’re harboring a sick fetish that no one cares to know about — especially me.

I’ve been “saving” this submission for several months, occasionally spying it in my files and thinking, “No no no no no, I can’t post this, it’s too wrong. It’s NOT OKAY.” But today, something happened. I realized that if I don’t eliminate this waste (pun intended) from my files, I will be accidentally opening this picture forever, and I’m neither mentally nor physically prepared to do that. My mind and body cannot process this level of surprise any longer. I must set the submission free. Perhaps if I do that, I will one day know peace again. Or at the very least, I will be able to eat lunch again.

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This week on Mommyish, I posted a follow-up to an old column about moms who share too many details about their bodies on social media. I’ve got nothin’ but love for my sisters, but as I said on Mommyish, I don’t think social media should be a lady’s downfall. If you wouldn’t tell your next door neighbor about the state of your vagina, why would you tell all of Facebook? This subject perplexes me because I want to stand up for women being honest and forthright about their bodies — but not like this. Not in ways that would horrify my grandmother. Think, ladies, think! Do you want your friends to associate you with Gold Star-worthy updates or with updates about post-baby queefs? If your answer is the latter, then you’ll find yourself in good company in the rest of this post. 

1. One-Of-A-Kind

Unfortunately I don’t know what’s happened to Rhea since she wrote this update in 2012. She may be gassy from eating a black bean burrito, or she may be preparing to swaddle a little baby burrito. Either way, she’s got gas, because that’s just the kind of gal she is. Thanks for letting us know, Rhea. You’re not most people.

2. Gramps

A UTI is pretty commonplace, so some of you may think I’m being harsh by posting this. But you people are wrong. The only redeeming thing about Jennifer’s status update is ‘stomach gramps.’ That’s when your stomach feels like a grumpy old man who gives unsolicited advice. Other than that, Jennifer’s update could’ve just been shared with a friend over the phone while taking a relaxing bath and drinking a large glass of cranberry juice. 

3. O.o

Don’t you hate it when it feels like your vagina is going to fall off? Ugh, so annoying. It’s like carrying a purse that’s constantly slipping off your shoulder, or wearing backless shoes that are always sliding off your feet. Except, of course, in this case it’s your vagina. What can I say? Some vaginas are leaders, while other vaginas are followers. Would your vagina jump off a bridge if all her friends did, too? Maybe if her ligaments felt old and floppy she would. 

4. Tatas & Tities

Well damn, Jandi went and had herself an ‘I PREG!!!’ moment. Thankfully in this case, it turns out she’s not pregnant, which is good considering getting pregnant again would kill her. For now, she’s just got some lactating tatas and a missing period. Not too bad compared to certain death.

5. That Smell

Oh good god. Not since the rectal prolapse of 2011 have we gotten to know such intimate details about a person’s bowels. I don’t even think I know this much about my own bowels, but I guess that’s partly because I’ve never experienced what Meghan has described. And while I sympathize with her frustrations, I’m also like WHOA GIRL, you need to get yourself a bowels diary, because this shit is crazy. “Suction all of the bowel and discharge out”?? My mama didn’t raise me to talk about suctioning my asshole on the internet. And the worst thing about constipation updates is the way people feel obligated to update after they expel crap from their butt, as if Meghan was settling a bet her friends made on when the ice cream would make its way through her rectum. “Ten bucks says it’ll take her two days!” “Psshh, a dairy product like that? I give it an hour!” “Depends on when she last took her MiraLax!”

6. Mommyjacking

Haha! April sure knows how to get the respect she deserves from her kids. Seems the old C-section trick works on just about any occasion. Kids don’t want to clean their rooms? Threaten to flash them. Not eating all their vegetables? Tell them they’ll go to bed starving after catching an eyeful of mommy’s scar tissue. Lmao. Sometimes being a mom is just way too fun. ;)

For more corporal revelations you didn’t ever want to know about, check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every now and then, I get a Gold Star submission that requires me to show a baby’s face (or head) as a punchline. I don’t feel badly about this, mostly because every example I’ve posted has been amazing, but I’m not sure any has made me smile in earnest the way this one does. Even in light of the relentless hipster mustache craze, which I typically mock with all of my being, I found this picture funny. The submitter’s email said, “A friend of my brother’s just had a baby… Or a middle aged man. You be the judge!”, and I was surprisingly won over. 

This picture makes me so happy in its simplicity, especially since he really would look like Teddy Roosevelt with a monocle — which is precisely what sent me into a 20-minute clipart frenzy of decorating this baby’s face like my life depended on it. I have no regrets. I love this mustache baby and wish more babies had thick, creepy-uncle or man-with-a-van mustaches because it would be extremely entertaining. 

You think your Facebook friends want to see your newborn propped up on an alpaca blanket or “holding” a pair of wedding bands in their hands? They don’t — at least not compared to this. Save your high-end photographer dollars and just buy a pack of stick-on, felt facial hair clippings. Everyone wins! 

Congrats to Jamie and Lindy on their Gold Star and their presidential baby. This (recent) submission is from a while ago, so I’m guessing by now the baby looks more like a toddler Teddy Roosevelt and walks with a stick.

Related: Michael Jackson Impersonators 

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I preached on a subject that makes me want to grab my best hanky and cry: DEATHJACKING. There’s tragedyjacking, and then there’s bare bones deathjacking, which all began years back with a depressingly memorable post called Charlie’s Angels. As it turns out, some people habitually insert themselves in comment threads about sympathy and loss because they have no idea what kind of assholes they sound like, and today’s post is dedicated to those assholes. So throw on a black shawl (fellas, I know you’re not above this), and pour yourself a tall glass of whiskey, because you’ll soon be mourning the loss of dignity displayed throughout this post. 

1. Shut Up, Reba

What is it about a terrible tragedy that inspires folks like Reba to share  celebratory news couched as an uplifting counterpoint? You know, people like Rebecca, or Michelle, or Amber? They should all form a deathjacking sorority.

2. Grandson KeAvion

What’s more troubling: A crazy grandma ranting about her grandson’s flu-like virus on a thread about a funeral, OR the Fact that She capitalizes Odd Words, including her Own Grandson’s Name, which we’re led to believe is KeAvion? Also, is T. working on a book called “My Grandson KeAvion”? I would love to read it if it’s anything like her comment. Could be a good movie, too. It’s been far too long since a grandparent came onto the entertainment scene with exciting tales like ‘The Time KeAvion Got a Common Virus’ or ‘The Time I Missed a Funeral and Made 100 Excuses About it on Facebook’. We all owe it to future generations to write our stories down for safe keeping. Otherwise, what will become of them?

3. Birthday Buddies

OMG what a coincidence. Amber’s dead fetus might’ve shared a birthday with little Kenny! They could have had shared birthday parties, been best friends, and maybe even one day been college roommates. It’s a damn shame that Amber miscarried. Truly saddening. No one understands that more than Nysa.

4. Mediocre Helper

‘Just think if’ is one of those expressions that can be applied to many things for no productive reason. For example, just think if S. could spell compassionate correctly. Just think if she could use her fucking brain before commenting on Facebook. Just think if she spent her time and energy focusing on building people up rather than tearing them down for their selfless decisions. Wouldn’t that be a revelation? Why cause M.’s head to hurt as much as her heart? R.I.P. little kitty. I am officially bummed out now.

To read more egregious deathjacker examples, check out my column over on Mommyish. It’s a real laugh riot!

(submitted by Anonymous)

I get a kick out of petty parent hysterics, especially when the ire is directed at people who don’t “acknowledge” children. We’ve seen a few examples of this before, but I thought it would be fun to read several submissions in a row just to really drive home the point. 

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with parents for feeling pissed off that someone didn’t smile or wave back at their child; it’s just that I wonder why the sentiment must be shared online. Like I said in my Mommyish column this week, “One of the most important lessons parents will teach their kids is knowing when to choose their battles, so it strikes me as funny that some people choose to make “waving” a battle.” Oh, the hardships some overly sensitive parents must endure! Thank goodness there are outlets for them to communicate their woes. Let’s check out some (more) examples of this extreme injustice in our society:

1. Mommy Peeves

I don’t know what’s worse — taking the time to issue a formal statement on Facebook about smile/wave protocol, or talking in the third person and calling yourself “mommy.” It’s one thing to say, “mommy needs a vacation,” (I guess), but “mommy has a new pet peeve,” sounds like the complaint of a person who protests when there’s too much salt on her margarita glass. You can’t please a woman who says in all seriousness that her toddler “took the time out of her day” to smile at someone, as if her child paused an extremely busy afternoon of drooling, pooping, crying, and falling down to do someone else a massive favor. I didn’t realize smiling was such an undertaking.

2. Innocent Kindness

Man, does it burn me up when cranky assholes don’t take the time to say “hi” to a child whose enthusiasm and joy are like a solar panel, brightening everyone’s day wherever she goes. What kind of douchebag doesn’t recognize innocent kindness when it’s staring them in the face? It is TRAGIC that children have to grow up realizing that the world is crammed with rude monsters who deserve to be smacked upside the head with a shovel. Stupid ignorant bastards and their bad attitudes! At least those children can look to their sweet parents for guidance during trying times. 

3. Grump-Faced People

This is like the time a grumpy cafe worker was accused of pure and simple ageism for “glowering” at a toddler (translation: “staring into space while bored at a low-paying job”). Maybe the “grump-faced people” in the industrial-carpeted business pictured above are just going about their day and don’t necessarily want to have a chat with a baby, no matter how cute her mother thinks she is. Where are they, anyway? The bank? The DMV? A place that sells industrial carpet? None of those places sound fun to me. I can manage to be cheerful when running errands, but not 100% of the time, particularly when there’s a baby crawling underfoot.

4. Stupid Bitches

Hey, you dumb bitch waitress, thanks for doing your job and all, but because you refused to acknowledge a child’s meaningful air kisses, you can forget about paying your power bill. You don’t even know an opportunity when it flutters out of a little boy’s hand and lands on the tip of your nose. Why would someone reward that kind of ignorance with money? Here’s a different kind of tip: Tell children they’re adorable or starve. Hope you enjoyed serving people who had every intention of tipping you, but more importantly, hope you learned a valuable lesson in etiquette. Next time you’ll find a note and a cute little boy’s drawing of the $5 bill you missed out on. He’s creative like that. Blam

To read more about crushing children’s spirits (and their parents’ spirits, too), check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week was Birthday Week, which was *pretty* good, but in all honesty I had like 14 more posts I wanted to run and couldn’t due to time constraints. I will possibly run a few of those posts in the coming weeks/months, but until then, I wanted to formally close out the celebration with a final WTF post featuring three of my favorite random birthday submissions. Each example holds a special place in my heart, and now I’m sharing them here with you. Let us soak up the last rays of Birthday Week sunshine before entering the abyss once again. (Did I mention that I got a submission the other day that’s just a picture of a giant human turd sitting on a PLATE??). The party was fun while it lasted!

Hey Kimmi, way to be a total buzzkill. So what if Stacy wants to get loaded and attend Cj’s birthday party? SO. WHAT. Sometimes people just need to take the edge off a little! It’s not like Stacy is going to cause drama or anything; she’s just going to smoke a little weed, take a few shots, and maybe bump some ketamine in the car before heading in to the party. I mean, hello, it’s a SATURDAY. Don’t be so uptight! It’s not like she’s gifting Cj a bong covered in Elmo stickers or something. Now THAT would be inappropriate, at least until Cj is a teenager.

Ahh, Larry and Vanessa. They’re like the 2013 Facebook version of Jack and Diane from that John Mellencamp song if you just substitute “suckin’ on a chili dog” with “17 years ago, I fucked you.” Poetry, these two! I’m glad I got Vanessa’s permission and blessing to call out her husband for being That Guy who publicly talks about previous sexual exploits that resulted in a baby. Of course, if I’d overheard my own father making this joke when I was 17 I would have vomited on the floor, but hey, that’s family for you! And a lady never knows WHAT to expect from her husband.

This delightful tale is about a dog named Clover that Elisabeth ‘protected’ from an opossum not by bringing the dog inside but by beating the opossum to death with a baseball bat. You don’t want to mess with the mama bear, y’all! She’s so vicious, she’ll beat an animal to death *and* crack a water pipe in one swift motion. And yet she’s also so LOVING, she won’t forget to mention that her twin sons turn six months old the next day at the end of her tale. What a mom. :) They say a mom is a cleaner, a teacher, a maid, and a handyman, but did you know moms are also bat-wielding murderers who casually kill animals and mention half-birthdays in the same sentence? They really can do it all! 

And yes, I did choose to post this submission to reiterate that half-birthdays are birthdays, too, people. More to come on that (and the “half-cake” trend) soon! But for now, au revoir, Birthday Week. You’ve been poop-free this year, and for that, I am most grateful.

(submitted by Anonymous)

This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily sincere sentiments. As much as I diss absurd parenting trends the rest of the year, I get a lot of funny submissions written by or about moms. I even get nice emails about the blog from my own mom sometimes, in-between suggestions about not using profanity. So to give props, I put together this round-up and another one on Mommyish. Here are some Gold Star moms whose comments and updates help make Facebook worth reading:

1. Dog Clothes = Baby Clothes

I like the way Katharine doesn’t even add a “Ha!” which would secretly mean, “Return it.” She’s just like, “Yeah, sure, drop it in the mailbox or join me for a happy hour cocktail and we’ll dress up my kid in your dog dress and watch her chase a Frisbie in the front yard.” 

2. Momibalism

This is one of those casual thoughts that provides real insight into a person’s psyche. You don’t only discover that Lindsay equates eating placenta with a sadistic cannibal feeding a victim his own brains; you can also glean that even if Lindsay did eat her own placenta, she wouldn’t go bragging about it on Facebook with a picture of an empty glass bowl and a fork. That’s some hippie twisted serial killer shit.

3. Food Sharing

We have ourselves another Oprah Gold Star thread. Every single person in this thread has earned a virtual reward for being awesome. Screw those ravenous children who already snack all the livelong day. They can’t eat your treats if you don’t share them! These women are like the exact opposite of Candy Apple Mom, who wound up with no Gold Star and no candy apple. Sucks for her.

4. Cock Bock’s

I will never tire of mocking children’s spelling mishaps and confused expressions. Something tells me Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong could whip up some delicious Porny Gravy using Mommy’s Cock Bock’s. ZING.

5. Servitude

Is it just me or does “my very own slaves” sound like the adult version of “My Little Pony” or “Kid Sister”/”My Buddy” dolls? I guess I never thought of children like that before, but they’re basically just really expensive, yet human (so they can cook and clean), life-sized adult versions of my ratty old Kid Sister doll. Genius! This kid looks like he’s really going for it over the stove. Slaving away, as it were. Not that I think actual slavery is funny. It’s not. Unless it involves forcing your own children to do household chores in exchange for food and shelter. Then it’s fine! Heidi, I salute you. You teach those damn kids how to work for their dinner! 

Don’t forget to check out my column about more Gold Star Moms over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies doo do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.

Of course, a part of me understands the appeal of potty humor, but can’t we all agree that children’s asses and immune systems have no bearing on holidays or birthdays? Just because your kid took a dump in her pants and it happens to be Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she “made you a present.” That’s gross. Stop ruining perfectly good Mother’s Day lunches with “funny” updates about poop and barf. The jokes have all been made before, and they weren’t very funny the first time around.

1. Laundry

Well damn, Janet, way to call out and scold your toddler daughter on Facebook for shitting herself in the car. I’m sure she didn’t mean to poop all over her carseat so much as it just kind of happened. And considering it didn’t even happen on Mother’s Day, Casey’s accident truly has nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. I think they call that “projecting.”

2. Extra Special Gifts

If you’re going to bring up your child’s diarrhea in a status update, consider using Meghan’s approach. It’s disgusting and unwarranted newsfeed nastiness, but at least she’s cheerful about it.

3. Woe Is Mom

The opener “Vomitting [sic] toddlers day 2” tells me that Fawn already posted about her vomiting toddlers on day 1, so I’m guessing her friends got a double dose of vomit updates this weekend, too. Lucky them! Thankfully for Fawn, both Julie and Sarah can relate. It’s always helpful when your friends understand what you’re going through, unless that understanding results in an even more disgusting example.

4. Being A Mom

Emily’s update is reasonable enough, minus the fact that ‘Hudson, Everett, and Sawyer’ sounds like a folk band (or maybe just a folksy legal firm) — but Jannell’s comment is what takes this over the edge. I can’t read it and not picture this. But aside from that, it’s important to remember that while Mother’s Day is a celebration of all things motherhood, certain details can be ignored online. Just because your kid’s poo smearing session coincided with Mother’s Day doesn’t mean it needs to be spelled out or remembered from year to year. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t sell cards that say “Happy Mother’s Day! Treasure the feces.”

(submitted by Anonymous)

At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking “supposably” is a valid word. Unfortunately, though, the moms in the following two submissions are in that other 1%. They didn’t check themselves before they wrecked themselves, and now their friends are aware of their ridiculous birthday blunders. Bless their hearts. 

I wonder what it’s like to have your mom sing “Happy Birthday” to you when you wake up and adorn you with a shirt that says “I am 3,” only to have the title temporarily stripped due to human error. Sounds kinda sucky. But hey, at least Sasha is only turning three. He probably just saw a butterfly and forgot about it all within a matter of seconds. It’s when you get a little older that things tend to resonate more. After all, you can practically set a computer to program your whole life these days. In the Age Of Reminders, there’s no excuse for “Sixteen Candles-esque” scenarios or mistakes.

“To” early, is it, Kellie? Methinks the lady doth Facebook too much. It’s one thing to accidentally wish your child a happy birthday and cite the wrong age, but to then write “to” instead of “too”? No. That is where I and many others before me draw the line. You have to take a stand for something in this life, and I’m taking one on “to” and “too.” I feel we may have lost the “your/you’re” fight, and “they’re/their/there” was a pipe dream, but “to/too” still has a chance to be understood by all. I hope after Kellie adds another candle to Bryceten’s (?!) birthday cake, she takes a few minutes out to read his English textbook. Kids tend to learn these grammar lessons right around his age group. His real age group, that is. ZING. Better luck next year!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter] who’s turning [age here]! They grow up so fast!” But nooooo, not these parents. They want to share a little more detail than that! 

I mean, duh, your child is turning six, whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. What everyone really wants to know is, when did the water break, was the birth vaginal, and did you make a placenta-truffle casserole or just eat it raw??? Here are seven parents who heard their friends’ silent cries for more, and boy, did they deliver. (Pun intended. Sorry.)

1. Sanctimommy BIRTH Day 

Whoaaa Jeannine’s getting SASSY with the name drama! I can practically hear her emphasizing each syllable in that first line. She may as well have said, “I’m pretty sure his birth certificate says LOGAN, Tiff. You stupid nickname-doling bitch.” Also, what does “I did everything I could to try to pick a name people couldn’t put a nickname on” mean? Did Jeannine hold focus groups to test her favorite names? Did she write down every single nickname possibility for every single preferred name and use process of elimination? It must be tough having done all that research and still wound up with Logie. Do her friends not recognize that she fucking HATES the nickname Logie and will publicly berate them until they stop using it? Giving Logan’s Day a shout out on Jeannine’s wall is a given, so the least Tiffany could’ve done is used some goddamn common sense when addressing him by name.

And speaking of hard work, way to be humble in your birthday update, Jeannine. You go girl. I’m sure as the years go by, you will continue to be amazed by your amazing homebirth in status updates on Facebook. 

2. Kayds

Yay, Kayds! (short for the ever-popular Kadence?!?) And yay, Natasha, for working in a mention of your water breaking for what may be five years in a row on Facebook. ♥ Not that the day your water broke should be forgotten, but it can easily pass without being mentioned five years after it happened.

3. Love Is a Battlefield

I don’t know who this woman is, but I want to be her friend. I want her to write long updates like this about our Thelma & Louise-style adventures and describe them as “a hell of a time.” I want her to call me “chunky butt” and “boobaby” and convince me to change my name to something like Kahrtridge. Is that too much to ask??

4. Placenta Smoothie < Birthday Cake

Aww, who could forget the day Red sucked down a temporary organ in smoothie form? Who could forget the taste of heaven? I’ll tell you: No one! Two things I know in life: 1. You don’t know love until you have a baby, and 2. You don’t know FLAVOR until you gulp down a viscous, bloody beverage made of liquified human meat.

5. Pushing & Squeezing

How sweet is this message? I only wish I could see the previous messages written on Pink’s other birthdays. :( I guess now I see why people use social media as a digital scrapbook. When Pink is older, she’ll be able to look back on her mother’s messages with a love and respect that she hadn’t previously understood. And yes, I’m talking about her mother’s vagina. 

Here’s the thing: If her vagina has fully recovered, why is she still talking about it online????

6. Va Jay Jay

First we read about people hopping on Jannielle’s va jay jay, and now we’re reading about 6-year-old Lucien popping out of Carolyn’s va jay jay. I’m starting to feel like I’m reading Vagina Dr. Seuss. Why am I calling this Birthday Week when it’s so obviously Va Jay Jay Week? And why am *I* the first person to come up with Va Jay Jay Week? Women several generations before me should’ve thought of this. We should be celebrating the 100th Anniversary of Va Jay Jay Week, not commemorating va jay jays as if they only now started to matter! BTW if you offended by Va Jay Jay Week… UP YOUR ASS!

7. VaGiNa Tears

Did anyone else picture this when reading “…came weeping out of my VaGiNa”? Just checking. I’m also kind of picturing a vagina weeping on the steps of the Capitol like the mopey bill in the Schoolhouse Rock song, even though I realize that Jaclyn is referring to her baby (who is now eight years old). Yay for vaginas, indeed. Viva Va Jay Jay Week!

Related: Delivery Reenactment

(submitted by Anonymous)

There are two types of people in this world: those who thrive on drama, and those who enjoy watching drama play out like the plane crash scene in “Con Air.” You can say you don’t like drama, but what you mean is, “I don’t like being involved in drama. I don’t want to get arrested.” It doesn’t mean you don’t get a thrill out of watching other people lose their minds over something like flavored water or getting a call from a crackhead in Detroit. That’s just human nature!

And does it come as any surprise that today’s example of crazy drama is about a woman who calls herself “Makais’Mommie” as part of her Facebook username? What’s up with vanity names, anyway? Why do 94% of people use just their first and last names in their Facebook username, while the other 6% list theirs as “Mikey ~Ca$$$h m0nEyy~” or “Shawna ♥♥LovesBeingBraedynsMommy♥♥”? Is it just an ode to MySpace?

Let’s check out what Kristina “Makais’Mommie” had to say about her son’s first birthday party and collectively wonder why she had a public Facebook Breakdown (because we may never really know what transpired):

1. The Announcement

I don’t know when this screenshot was taken in relation to when it was posted, but zero ‘Likes’ is a bad sign. I do know that Kristina started posting a minimum of 53 days before the party:

At least watching Scared Straight got some ‘Likes.’

2. RSVP Info

RULES: Don’t say you’re coming if you’re not sure, but also don’t NOT saying you’re coming and then still show up because that will send Kristina Makais’Mommie into a spiral of crazy so PLEASE PEOPLE just RSVP or this is only going to GET SO MUCH WORSE and you will REGRET it.

3. Notifications

I love hate to point out the obvious, but Kai is turning ONE year old so no, the lack of attendance will not phase him, but it’s because his brain is still developing and he hardly knows how to walk. The only person who cares about this party is Kristina, and her foundation is cracking.

4. Still Pre-RSVP Deadline

THIS PARTY IS A COSTUME PARTY AND FOOD IS EXTREMELY CRUCIAL. BUT ALSO YOU CAN BRING FOOD, NBD BUT YOU CAN. YELLING GETS KRISTINA MAKAIS’MOMMIE’S POINTS ACROSS OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE IDEA SINCE NO ONE SEEMS INTERESTED IN RSVP’ING TO SHARE IN THE DELIGHT OF A LITTLE BOY’S BIRTHDAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL READING DON’T FORGET TO DRESS UP OR PURCHASE A GIFT FROM THE INFANT’S REGISTRY. =)=)

5. No Ass-Bending

Even though we don’t know all of the details that led to this rant, it’s safe to assume that Kristina Makais’Mommie is PISSED that her son’s relatives won’t travel out of their way in Bugs Bunny costumes with professionally-wrapped gifts from Kai’s registry and MAYBE some snacks and potato salad, for ONE FREAKING DAY for her son. Not ONE.DAY.FOR.MAKAI. That’s a steaming pile of horse shit considering every single person has known about the party for MONTHS IN ADVANCE since Kristina’s been talking about it for MONTHS AND MONTHS. I guess now she knows who to avoid at the next reunion. And hey, three people ‘Liked’ this update. Progress!

(submitted by Anonymous)

As you guys know, this week is birthday-themed, and that means I’m posting about ANY AND ALL things birthday-related. For instance, did you know that it’s possible to freak out over something as minor as a party hat? I mean, sure, if the party was for a wizard or something I could understand the hat being the pièce de résistance, but what about for a one-year-old?

Does anyone remember the freakout from a couple years back involving baby Saylor’s toile bedding fabric, and how that shit got fucking ruined? Well, I know it’s probably hard for people who never deal with real catastrophes to understand, but when things like that get messed up, the aftereffects crawl into your psyche and burn a hole in your brain for days, if not YEARS, because of all the preparation that went into that simple, beautiful, but now fucked up, dream. Think about it: Does anything on this earth matter as much as a parent’s dream for her child? Especially if that dream is to procure an amazing ladybug hat to top off a special event? Try putting yourself in a mother’s shoes before you’re quick to judge. It’s all about priorities, you know?

1. Claws

Something we should clear up is that bears — mama bears or otherwise — have non-retractable claws, so the claws don’t “come out,” because they’re ALWAYS out. I really wish they taught this in Mama Bear 101, but since they apparently don’t, I wanted to mention it.

Speaking of classes, people who play the “my husband is an attorney and will sue the shit out of you” card should read up on alternative methods of conflict resolution. That card is about as effective as the fake credit cards you receive in the mail. I know “my spouse will sue you” is typically uttered in jest, but jest and cliches make an awfully boring pair. We’re not even talking about someone who didn’t smile at a baby, which is a crime that can be aggressively prosecuted, but rather an undelivered HAT.

2. Mild Irritations

Haha! “Legal” letters, lol. Granted, Pink isn’t totally losing her mind over the hat, but she DOES take issue with the fact that it’s not yet arrived. I mean, when you pay for a service, you should get what you pay for, right? When I tell my dry cleaning guy, “I need these shirts cleaned by tonight,” I expect the shirts to be ready! When I tell a bartender, “I want you to make me a strong margarita,” don’t hand me a weak drink! A customer — nay, a lady — deserves to be treated with respect.

3. All Smiles

When in doubt, DIY. And that’s just what this can-do mom did! Her daughter’s colors are red and black, and none of that pink and white shit was going to work, so she got crafty! Everybody knows mothers are preeetttyyyyy much the craftiest of all crafters anyway, because, duh! They made a baby! 

4. Feeling Much Better

A new business venture? This saga keeps turning out for the best! Unless of course Yellow is doing that thing that SO MANY WOMEN DO where they leave comments like, “OMG that scarf is beautiful! You should start an Etsy shop!” or, “OMG that vomit story you told is hilarious. You have GOT to write a book!” Because something tells me whatever talent Pink exuded in her hat-making skills is something you can “pick up” pretty quickly after reading Martha Stewart’s Kids’ Accessories page. Technically that would mean the hat-making was based more on following basic steps than on sheer talent, but that doesn’t mean I’m questioning Pink’s devotion to making the perfect ladybug hat. I would never doubt her commitment to sparkle motion.

5. Luck

AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND LOUD HAND CLAPPING WILL NOW ENSUE!

Let’s remember that this “hat journey” began on May 31st, continued into June 1st, and it’s STILL June 1st in this status update. Whew! Talk about a roller coaster of a day, you guys. This poor mother has been put through the wringer over something as silly — and yet as crucial — as a hat. Never forget the Ladybug Party Hat Meltdown of 2012. These 36 hours will go down in Hat History, y’all. You can trust me on that.

(submitted by Anonymous)

One of the most important aspects of any birthday — but especially a child’s birthday — is the party. No matter how old a kid is turning, a party is an opportunity for parents (and everyone they know) to shower the kid with love and affection gifts for being born.

Of course, there are rules that accompany such events. As we’ve learned in the past, it’s important to keep the drama at home, cus if anyone fucks up a little kid’s birthday his or her parent(s) will happily kick your ass. It’s also important to buy exactly what is requested for a child, whether for a birthday or another holiday, because otherwise you could wind up with two Pillow Pets or DVD duplicates or some other horrendous gift situation. As a party guest, you’ll want to err on the side of caution while spending as much money as humanly possible. Whatever pleases the parents will likely please the child, because then the parent(s) won’t have a huge tantrum in front of dozens of friends and relatives. Honestly, birthday parties are fun and all, but they’re A LOT of work for the thousands of parents who insist on making them a bigger deal than is necessary. You guys have no idea how stressful it can be obsessing over tiny details that no one but you cares about or will remember. It’s HARD.

So with that rundown in mind, let’s check out some examples of how parents have chosen to publicize their child’s birthday on social media. Everyone get your kazoos ready, because these parties are going to totally ROCK!

1. Aubreypalooza

Are you guys ready for the most cacophonous music festival this side of Coachella? Break out your psychedelic glasses, Birkenstocks, and Dora the Explorer-stickered drum kits, because Aubreypalooza’s about to take a local ampitheatre amphitheater by storm! You thought seeing The Wiggles live in concert was fun? Try watching a bunch of adults sustain two hours of alcohol-free Aubreypalooza! Bring your didgeridoos and a box of goldfish crackers for an afternoon of smiles, songs, and cash hand-offs. The smiles and songs are free; the cash comes from your bank account. (PS: Don’t forget to RSVP! Strollers are welcome.)

2. Advantages

Okay, duderinos and dudettes! Who’s coming to Mason’s second birthday party in 8 months??? Who’s taking The Mason Challenge? All you have to do is commit to attending an event for a toddler eight months in advance and send along your FULL address (no halfsies!). Anything less than 100% dedication will not be approved for this bash.

Not to get anyone too excited or anything, but rumor has it there will be both cake and ice cream AND at least 13 shrieking children drooling everywhere AND blue and orange streamers for decoration. So whatever you were planning to do eight months from now — cancel it. And if you think you’re going to have to work that day, request off! Now is your chance!

Read More →

Not good enough, Joseph. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Brandon’s friends should know there’s not enough room on Facebook for both Lia’s birthday and the Star Wars franchise to get celebrated on the same day. Today is May 4th, the day little Lia was born, and everyone had better put down their light sabers, take off their childish Darth Vader masks, and take a few moments out to pay tribute to the TRUE princess of the day: Princess Lia. Not Leia. LIA. 

May LIA’S BIRTHDAY Be With You All!

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I paid tribute to Birthday Week with a column about birthdayjacking. Last year, I had so many birthdayjacking submissions that I had to split them into two posts, and this year proved no different. Parents can’t help themselves on Facebook when their child’s birthday is involved. Nothing beats the feeling of announcing your baby’s birthday to the world. NOTHING. Not even scaling K2, racing on the Nürburgring, and parasailing in the Caribbean combined. Telling the internet “It’s my baby’s birthday today!!!” has become as compulsory as it has ubiquitous. After all, if your child has a birthday and you don’t announce it on Facebook, did it ever really get celebrated? 

It’s this attitude that inspires birthdayjacking, which is something parents do when they’re either extremely excited about their child’s birthday or extremely disappointed that no one “liked” the ‘birthday letter’ they wrote on their own wall (addressed to a toddler). Let’s check out some new examples:

1. Almost-Birthday Buddies

Based on Carol’s logic, I’m to assume that another one of her friends will receive a message on Tuesday morning that says, “Zoe turned 4 yesterday, born 8 hours too early to share your birthday!!” Carol is a high-functioning birthdayjacker who spreads her skillz across multiple days and status updates in honor of little Zoe.

2. The More You Know

When Ellyn wrote, “(good to know about JS Bach),” she meant, “(I’ll be sure to mention that whenever I tell people it’s my son’s birthday, considering it sounds way more cultured than ‘Jessica Szohr’.)” Johann Sebastian Bach FTW. Thanks for chiming in, Ellyn.

3. Coincidences

Nicolette and Tim used to date, and Tim has no idea why Nicolette would write something so weird on his wall, given that they used to go out and have sex. I don’t know either, but I think his comment is funny.

4. WTF?

Melody reminds me of Melaina, just talking and talking like some batty old granny who mutters to herself in a rocking chair on a front porch. “Summer-Sunshine what a sweet girl she loves her bike loves strawberries takes a bath every day knows her numbers and wants to be in the pictures someday!”

5. Can’t Believe It Either

I can’t believe that both of these people are being serious, but I’m pretty sure they are. Otherwise, D., I owe you a Gold Star. But assuming they’re both serious, this is the future of birthdayjacking, where parents one-up each other based on their kids’ ages. An average status update in the future like, “Can’t believe my son turned 11 hours old! Feels like just an hour ago he was born!!”, will be met with, “Can’t believe my daughter turns 65 in four months and is applying for Medicare.” Yep, the future looks bright and heavily-documented, indeed.

To read several more birthdayjacking examples, including one of the most annoying examples EVER, head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

As mentioned a couple of days ago, we’re entering Birthday Week, which is a whole week dedicated to the ridiculous birthday-related submissions I receive throughout the year. Last year’s inaugural celebration coincided with my 30th birthday, but this year, since I turned 31 and am getting decrepit, I’m starting the party a little late. Kinda setting a precedent for my reaction toward birthdays from here on out. BUT, that doesn’t diminish from my enthusiasm toward Birthday Week on the blog. I am excited — very excited — to share this year’s many gifts. First up, the official 2nd Annual Birthday Week cake!

This cake is delicious, which you can probably tell just by looking at it, but there’s a special reason that it’s so tasty:

OK, OK — maybe Desiree should’ve used fresh breast milk rather than frozen milk, but hey, the boobie milk birthday cake was still absolutely delicious! Well, the icing anyway. And all that matters is that little Lily loved it as much as Desiree enjoyed baking and gloating about it. Yummy!

Stay tuned for a whole week’s worth of birthday-themed merriment. The party bus has left the station, so be sure to strap yourself in for an unforgettable amusing ride!

Related: Breast Milk Cheese and Breast Milk Ice Cream

Also related: Placenta Cake, Selfish Bitch Cake, and Very Clever Jam Cake